You’ve been together for years, and at some point it became comfortable. Maybe too comfortable. Not fighting, not falling apart, but not lighting up the door, either. The spark wasn’t extinguished during a dramatic betrayal or explosive argument. It faded, much like a poster that’s been hanging in the sun for too long.
The thing no one tells you is that marriages don’t just fall apart in one fell swoop. They drift. In conversation, you don’t make eye contact. Date nights turn into “Just let’s order in and scroll our phones. Before you know it, you’re sharing a mortgage and Netflix with another person, and you wonder when it all turned flat. But there you can change that. You really can. No couples’ therapy or second honeymoon in Bali is necessary.
1. Give each other some breathing room, so that the longing comes back.
They’re always there, so you’ll never miss them. When you’re trying to get closer, it seems counterintuitive to be physically closer, but it’s not the same when it comes to emotional closeness. If you’re together all the time (dinner together, shopping together, watching TV together on weekends, etc.), you no longer feel like two different individuals who select one another. You are default companions.
Let them be themselves and not have you in the picture. Have them get together with friends on a Friday night and let you get together with friends. Take up separate hobbies. Take a Saturday off, and do what you feel like doing as a single person. You will return with stories to share, things you didn’t experience, and a bit of mystery. After a period of time, you’ve gotten back into the swing of things, and you recall why you wanted them close in the first place.
Try Something Neither of You Has Done Before
You know what happens when you’re both trying to figure out how to do pottery or how to paddle board for the first time? You know what happens when you’re both fumbling through pottery class or trying to paddleboard for the first time? You’re equals again. There isn’t anyone who knows it all. No one’s got it figured out. You’re laughing at yourselves, relying on one another, making memories that have nothing to do with “the way things have always been.
When you do something new as a couple, both of you are out of your comfort zone. You’re usually the sensible one, but on this occasion you’re the first to get off the dock. Perhaps they’re reserved, but karaoke uncovers a person you haven’t seen in years. Make a reservation for that cooking class. Sign up for salsa lessons. Even though you’re both afraid of heights, go rock climbing. Do something that makes you both beginners.
Make Your Bedroom a Place You Actually Want to Be
Now take a look around your bedroom; really look. Does it contain laundry that has not been folded? Lots of notes on the nightstand? The treadmill you promised yourself you’d use but hasn’t been touched in the corner? If you feel like you’re living in a storage unit rather than a sanctuary, then, naturally, you won’t feel inclined to spend real time there together.
Clear it out. Make it a place that welcomes you both, rather than a place that reminds you of all that you still need to do. Soft lighting helps. So does giving up on the TV if you’re brave enough. Include items that make the room feel like it belongs to the two of you and no one else (better sheets, candles, etc.). Your bedroom should be a sanctuary, not yet another task on your list. If the space feels like it’s meant for something, what’s happening in it becomes meant for something.
Put On Something Totally Different and See Where It Takes You
When’s the last time you got dressed for them? And we’re not talking about sweatpants with holes or that ratty college shirt you sleep in. Dress up as the person they fell in love with. A thing or person that makes you stand up a little straighter when you look in a mirror.
Look matters, and yeah, we said it. You’re telling them that they are worth your while. Perhaps it’s a dress they used to say that they loved. Perhaps it’s a perfume that you haven’t worn for a long time. It doesn’t matter what it is; the change awakens something in both of you. They notice. You see that they’re paying attention. Then all of a sudden, you’re seeing each other again, rather than… living in the same space.
Talk About Things That Actually Matter to You Both
You speak every day, of course. What is for dinner? Regarding the payment of the electric bill. Who is going to do the kids’ schoolwork? But when’s the last time you had a real conversation? One that wasn’t problem-solving or scheduling?
Inquire what their thoughts are lately. This is not about stress at work or home. What they’re concerned with, what they are looking forward to, and what they’ve been wondering. People change, and if you’re just talking about the surface, you may be in a marriage with someone you don’t know anymore. When you hear what’s going on in there, you’ll remember why you were interested in their mind in the first place.
Bring Back Something You Used to Do When Things Felt Easier
Remember the good old days. What did you do together that somehow went out the window? Perhaps you used to share cooking responsibilities on Sundays for breakfast. Perhaps you would go for walks after dinner, phones off, discussing everything and anything. Perhaps there was a show that you would watch religiously and analyze the show after every episode.
Those rituals mattered. They carved out spaces for you two. Life became busier, priorities changed, and somewhere those rituals were set aside for “more important things. Bring one back. If it comes across as forced at first, it doesn’t matter. Do it anyway. Do it enough, and you develop a pattern, and that’s what your marriage is. The work you two have done together requires care and nurturing, and at times that means reviving the past, when things were simpler.
Tell Them What You Love About Them Out Loud
In long-term relationships, you’re stingy with the compliments. You think the nice things (“They’re funny,” “They’re smart,” “They handled that situation really well”), but you don’t say them anymore. You assume that they know. They don’t.
Remember words of affirmation are not optional maintenance. They’re fuel. Let them know what you like about them. You’re great” is not the right thing to say; it’s “The way you treated your mom on the phone yesterday was incredible. You’re so patient. Or “I laughed three times at you today,” without trying. Speak it out loud. Allow them to listen to what you think when you look at them. Tell what you are grateful for, and observe the rate of temperature change between you. They’ll begin to look at themselves again through your perspective,, and you will begin to notice more things to mention.
Get a Little Competitive Over Something That Doesn’t Matter
When you compete, your adrenaline is pumping, and adrenaline tells you that you are alive. Play a silly game: mini golf, Mario Kart, who can make the best burger, or a game of cards. Allow yourself to immerse yourself in it. Engage in some trash talk. Be loud and louder when you win.
When things grow stale, you stop being playful. All things are serious (bills, responsibilities, decisions that matter). However, when you’re playing Scrabble or go-karting, you’re not concerned about the mortgage or what needs to be done around the house. You’re laughing. You’re teasing. You’re recalling the fun you had with this person rather than going through life together.
Go Back to a Spot That Reminds You Why You Started
You know where some places just hold things? Emotion that you’d forgotten you had? Go back to an important place. Perhaps the restaurant where you first dated, the park where you were engaged, or the coffee shop where you originally met prior to moving in together. Take the same streets for a walk. If possible, sit in the same place.
When you return to familiar locations, your brain acts weirdly. You’re back in that place and you’re getting all those feelings again that you didn’t remember. You recall what you were like back then. Who they were. What you desired of each other. It is as if hitting a reset button, and yes, we mean that. You’re not trying to wipe away all memories since then, but you’re trying to remember the people who actually chose to create this life. Sometimes, you need to be reminded of the importance of the present by the past.
Let Each Person Take the Lead Sometimes
If one person always has to make all the decisions, including where to eat, what to see, how to spend weekends, etc., and the other person follows suit, you’re in for issues. Resentment grows or boredom sets in. Rotate leadership of planning.
This week they select everything: the activity, the time, the whole thing. You’re just supposed to show up with a positive mindset. Now it’s your turn next week. Allowing them to lead may mean that you will go outside your comfort zone. That’s the point. You see what lights them up! What they would pick if they knew you would be interested. When it’s your turn, they see you the same way. Equal partnerships do not necessarily mean 50/50 every time. They mean that you both have to drive at times.
Drive Somewhere Just Because and Talk the Whole Way
Cars are strangely ideal for actual dialogue. You are facing forward, which means that there is less pressure than if you were sitting across from each other at a table. Choose a place that is an hour or two away. Doesn’t even matter where. A town you’ve never been to. A hiking trail. One that I heard once at a dinner.
The drive is the point. No podcasts. No music that can be heard over speech. You two and anything that comes up during the conversation. You will find that you will start talking about things that you would not have talked about otherwise. The movement helps. The changing scenery outside the window helps. You’re heading somewhere, together, both literally and figuratively. When you get here, you’ll feel closer than you have in weeks.
Make Dinner Together and Take Your Time With It
Garlic is chopped while it is browning. You consider adding more salt. You sample, modify, and strive for the same end. The journey is more important than the destination, in this case, the meal.
Takeout is efficient. Cooking together is on purpose. You are making something from scratch, even if it’s pasta. Put on music. If you prefer, add some wine. Accept failure with a laugh. The kitchen isn’t about feeding yourselves; it’s about being in the same room, doing the same thing, and enjoying the process of working together. Food prepared in groups tastes different. It really does.
Send a Text Just Because They Crossed Your Mind
You’re at work or running errands and think of them. An inside reference. A memory. Something they would find amusing. Send the text. Don’t overthink it. Avoid waiting for the “right” moment.
“Saw someone wearing that silly hat you love” or “Remember when we got lost looking for that restaurant?” or “Thinking about you.” That’s it. Little check-ins all day long, “You’re on my mind even when we’re apart.” They’re little crumbs of love that get bigger with time. Small gestures (those that take 10 seconds) are often more powerful than the large, planned gestures because they’re spontaneous. They’re real. They remind your partner that they are in your mind all the time, not just when you’re physically present.
Switch Up One Small Thing in Your Week
If you keep doing the same things week after week, you don’t see each other anymore. Make a small change and see how it impacts the rest. Have breakfast together before going to work, rather than coffee on the way out. Go for a different walk on the evening stroll. Change coffee makers in the morning. Change the date night to Wednesday.
You make a small change, and all things seem a little new. You are showing yourself (and each other) that you are willing to change, to try, and to do things differently, even in small ways. If you’re flexible, you have what you have breathing. If it’s the same pattern every week, you don’t notice each other. A slight change is enough to get you both to notice again. Sometimes it is enough!
Pull Up Old Pictures and Remember What You’ve Been Through
Look through old photographs together, if you have any, from years ago. Take a look at the first few pictures. The vacations you took; the friends’ weddings, and even the random ones; as well as the Tuesday nights that somehow got recorded. You have shared a life together up to this point, and sometimes you can forget that in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
Looking back is not about wanting to go back to those days. It’s about being aware of your progress. You’ve weathered arguments and job changes, family drama and personal losses. You have achieved successes together. Built traditions. Survived years that might have broken you. Those pictures are proof that you’re a team with history, a shared context that nobody else has. To remember where you’ve been, you’ll find it easier to determine where you’re going.
Ask Each Other What’s Been Missing Lately
This one requires courage, but you must speak directly to it: “What have you been missing in your life lately? Not in an accusing manner. Ask it as if you really mean it; ask it as if you want this thing between you to be okay. Perhaps they will say together time. Perhaps they’ll say adventure. Perhaps they’ll say “wanted” or “valued” or “heard.”
Regardless of the response, don’t become defensive. Listen. Really listen. Next, share your answer. Likely, you’ve both been feeling a bit off, but have yet to say it openly. It is easier to make progress if you give it a name. What you don’t recognize, you can’t fix. Once it’s out there, you can actually do something about it, rather than silently hoping the other person reads your mind and figures it out.
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