You’ve been seeing someone for a while now. It may take weeks, it may take months. You hang out, hook up, and perhaps eat food later. However, when your best friend asks you two what you are, you go blank. Because honestly? You have no idea.
What you likely do know: Something is “off. Perhaps they’re ideal in the abstract, or perhaps they just don’t work out in terms of chemistry. In either case, you’ve come to this site because part of you believes that this is all a matter of time and you’re wondering whether you’ve already reached the end of it.
You are always wondering where you stand?
One day they’re sending you paragraphs about their day. Following this, you might get “lol” back. Everything is a question on your mind. How long they took to respond, whether they used a period or an exclamation point, and whether their use of that emoji indicates they’re into you or they’re not into you.
New rules are introduced each week, and no one told you. It’s hard to know whether it’s ok to ask them what they did on the weekend or if it’s “too much. You play cool, act casual, and lie in bed wondering why you’re expending all this mental energy on someone who can’t tell you where this is going.
They Only Reach Out When They’re Bored or Lonely
Notice a pattern? The texts come in late. Like, really late asking, Are you up? all the time. Or they call you on some random Tuesday night when they don’t have anything else planned and are now “thinking about you.
It’s odd that they never think about you at 2 p.m. on a Saturday, when they’re busy as a bee. But at 11 pm, when they are home alone and browsing their phone… suddenly YOU’re the most interesting person in the world. You deserve to have someone who wants to see you when the sun’s still out.
You Keep Having the Same Conversation About What This Is
You’ve attempted to bring it up. Multiple times. So… what are we doing here? Every time, they say, “I’m having fun, aren’t you?” or “Let’s not overthink it” or “I really like what we have going.
Cool. Unless you’ve gone through this four times and still don’t have an actual answer. They hate definitions, and you’re in this cycle of trying to define them, and they’re escaping. The refusal to clarify is the clarification at some point.
They are more exhausting than exciting to be around.
When did you used to get butterflies before you saw them? Now you’re feeling anxious. You’re always wondering if you’re texting too much, if you’re being too available, if you’re making it too personal, if you’re bringing up your feelings will scare them off, etc.
All hangouts become a mental chess game. Say the right thing, laugh at the right time, and don’t ask too many questions. You leave feeling exhausted rather than invigorated. And, seriously… when did spending time with a person that you’re supposed to like become a part-time job that you didn’t apply for?
Mentioning Anything Beyond Next Week Makes Them Go Quiet
You say you’re going to have a concert next month, and they respond, “Oh, yeah, maybe!” Really noncommittal. Or you mention a wedding you have in a couple of weeks, and they say, “Yeah, sure, we’ll be there. Or you mention an event in a few weeks, and they say, “Yeah, sure, we’ll be there.
Plans are valid for 72 hours with them, max. They clam up, change the subject, or give you the vaguest possible response. If they were ready to admit that, they wouldn’t be committed to future plans.
You Defend Their Behavior to Everyone (Including Yourself)
Your friends have ideas. Strong ones. Wait, they said what? You’re still seeing them? You always come up with excuses. “They’re really busy with work right now” or “They’ve been hurt before, so they’re scared of commitment.”
Sure. Maybe that’s true. But you’re also lying to yourself, and you know it in your heart. Because if someone really wanted to be with you (truly, genuinely wanted that), they’d figure it out. Time is found by busy people. Scared people communicate. You’re putting your name on a document that you didn’t write.
If You Stopped Texting First, You’d Probably Never Hear From Them
Go ahead. Try it. Turn off your cell phone and let them make the first move. I’m sure you’ll have to wait long enough. Days, maybe. Possibly longer.
It’s a one-sided effort, and you know it. It’s you who start the plans, check in, and keep things alive. The second you stop lifting weights, crickets. That’s not a partnership. You are auditioning for a job they don’t know if they are looking for.
You Feel More Like a Secret Than a Priority
They have never written anything about you. You’ve never met their friends. Well, maybe one or two in passing, but not in this “this is somebody important to me” way. You are not on their Instagram, not in conversation, and if you meet someone they know, they introduce you by your first name only.
You’re compartmentalized. Isolation of the person’s life, as if it were a hobby they have a little trouble with. In the meantime, you’ve shared them with all your trusted inner circle. The disparity is obvious, and pretending it is not doesn’t make it hurt any less.
The Moment You’re Gone, They’re Back on the Apps
You are not official, which means that they can do whatever they want. Fine. However, you’ve seen the notifications. Or perhaps a mutual friend recommended him. Or maybe you… know.
While you’re here deciding whether or not to delete Hinge, they’re still playing it safe. The playing field is not level, and you are playing for real. They’re window shopping while you are building. That gap? It’s only increasing in width.
That Gut Feeling Has Been Trying to Tell You Something
This feeling has been bothering you for weeks. Maybe months. Something’s off. You can’t put your finger on it, but your stomach knows before your brain does.
We’re told to “trust our gut,” and then we don’t because we want to think the best. But your instincts are picking up on a thousand micro-signals your conscious mind doesn’t want to process. That little voice telling you this isn’t right? Listen to it. People are often right before, and this time is no exception.
11. You’re Editing Yourself Because You’re Afraid They’ll Leave
You’ve got thoughts. Feelings. Needs. However you swallow them down because you are scared if you say them, they will go away. So you feign a chill when you’re not. In the face of ambiguity, you pretend you are okay.
You are now a tasty version of yourself. Sanded down and laid bare of anything that would rock the boat. And the worst part? They appear to be quite content with that one. The fake one. You may ask for too much because the real you (the one who wants clarity and commitment) may ask for too much.
They Show Up When It’s Convenient, Disappear When It’s Real
They’re here for the good times. Late-night get-togethers, easy laughs, physical proximity. However, when things get real (such as when you have a bad day and need some help or want to discuss your feelings), they ghost.
They want it in a nutshell, the advantages of a relationship without the relationship itself. Not only when it’s easy, but also when life gets messy as well.
They Want the Person You Were, But You’ve Already Moved On
Perhaps you were in another location when this began. Less serious, more casual, open to something undefined. But people change. You’ve changed. You need something solid, something real, now.
They’re still treating you like you were 6 months ago. They’re stuck in a moment in time, and they’re waiting for you to be the same. But you’ve come a long way since then. You want more, and they are still here. Stuck.
You’re Struggling to Remember Why You Even Started This
Was it once there was a spark? A thing that attracted you. Now, though, as you consider the reason you continue to do this, it becomes fuzzy. Is it a sincere desire? Avoid being alone? The hope that perhaps, someday, they will turn around? You’re on a shoestring, acting out, because you wouldn’t want to risk finding out that you wasted your time on a person who never wanted to meet you halfway. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. However, remaining is not the easy way to deal with it. It is just a postponement of the inevitable.
Even Your Friends Have Stopped Asking How It’s Going
Initially your friends were curious about you. Supportive, even. For months they’ve been getting the same answer: ‘We’re still working it out’ or ‘It’s complicated.’ They don’t ask anymore, as they know the answer.
And that silence? It says everything. They have counted what you are refusing to accept: This person is not going to change, and you’re the only one trying. Your people see it. The question is, are you ready to see it too?
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