You know what it’s like. You’ve met a guy or girl that looks like a dream come true, and you’re already imagining weekend outings and jokes that only you and them will understand. Then, slowly, as if you’d never noticed, reality creeps in. When she’s with you, she says all the right things, but when it comes to implementation… Where is she? She’s nowhere!
Look, no one wants to spend months trying to get to the bottom of the fact that someone wasn’t a 100% believer from the start! You don’t deserve breadcrumbs and mixed messages. So here are some things to look out for: the actions that shout “time-waster” more than any words ever would.
She Guards Her World Like It’s Top Secret
You’ve been seeing the girl for weeks or maybe months, and you still don’t know much about her life. Where does she go to work? So, when you’re texting into the void on Saturday nights, what does she do? She will throw an ambiguous answer at times. You know, “work” business. However, no details come through. You are only left to assemble bits and pieces like an amateur detective.
Women who keep their personal lives under a lock and key are saying a lot to you: you are being kept at arm’s length. Yes, she will tell you enough to keep you interested, but the deeper stuff? The true weaknesses, the shoddy business, the true stories that matter? These remain locked up. There are no real things that can be constructed with someone who treats you as a stranger.
When she brings up other guys in every conversation.
Every time you talk, somehow another dude finds his way into the conversation. “The funniest thing that happened today,” James from work said”, “my friend’s boyfriend took her to this restaurant.” She’ll say things like, “Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it; you’re being paranoid,” etc. Pay attention to this pattern.
If women constantly mention other men, they are playing a game you didn’t sign up for. She wants you to feel the competition, to wonder if you’re measuring up, to try harder for her attention. It’s all a ploy. A true admirer will never make you feel as if you were competing with an invisible line-up.
She overlooks everything you do for her
Before you met, you went out of your way to get her favorite coffee. When she complained about her broken laptop, you listened and offered to help fix her laptop. You recalled that anecdote from her childhood and mentioned it weeks after. And her response? Crickets. If you’re lucky, maybe a quick “thanks,” and then she’s onto the next thing.
Thanking shouldn’t be like pulling teeth. If the person is genuinely caring, they’ll see the effort and they’ll see it completely. But time-wasters? They expect you to do more than they do; they feel you are entitled to your gestures. That tilt will wear you out sooner than you realize.
She only contacts when her calendar is empty
It’s funny how her phone works when she is bored on a Tuesday night, isn’t it? Out of nowhere, “Hey, what are you up to?” comes out of it. But as you start to make real plans, you suggest doing something specific, something that involves her making a commitment; she goes ghost. Or even worse, she will say “maybe” and leave you hanging till the last minute.
You are the backup plan here, that’s all. She cycles through her options, and when they are all exhausted, then you get the text. If a girl is really interested in spending time with you, then she will do so, even if she has a busy schedule. They will shuffle, provide honest answers, and come when they say they will. Less than that? You’re being used to fill empty space.
She keeps you away from her inner circle.
It has been months since you’ve met one of her friends. Each time you propose to join her crew for drinks or to accompany them to a group activity, she has a reason why it can’t happen. She is taking photos with them all the time, saying, “Oh, they’re really busy right now…” or “Maybe next time; they’re kind of a lot to handle…” and she is living a whole other life that you aren’t a part of.
The reality is that people introduce their partners to their friends when it is a real relationship. When you’re in a box, away from the people who know you when she’s keeping you in a box? She may be embarrassed, waiting to see what happens, or she may be thinking of a quick way out. All of those outcomes are bad for you.
She creates distance as you approach her.
All will be well. You’re talking, you’re laughing, you’re about to make it, you’re about to make it, you’re about to make it. And then boom. She pulls back. It takes hours to respond when she was texting back the day before and instantly! Cancels plans last-minute. Goes cold for no apparent reason.
If you let it, the push-pull dynamic will mess with your head. She becomes uneasy when she begins to get too close, too personal, too real, or too involved in a relationship she would actually have to work at. So she stalls the momentum each and every time. You’ll expend all your effort to return to where you were, and she will keep pressing reset.
She waits for you to make all the moves
Planning dates, starting text messages, where to go, what to do, and when to meet. It’s all on you. She will do anything you ask her to do, of course, but she doesn’t volunteer any ideas. Never say, “Hey, I found this cool spot we should check out” or “What if we tried…? It’s all one way, and she’s just fine with that.
Two people have to show up for relationships to work. If you are the one that is driving the change, you are basically on a self-pity tour. Caring women will contribute. They will organize things, catch you by surprise every now and again, and take initiative as they are excited to spend time with you. Otherwise, you will be doing all the work and she will be getting all the benefits.
She Changes the Subject When Things Get Real
Have a serious talk with her about feelings, about what this is, about anything deeper than just small talk, and watch how quickly she diverts. If she says, “Ugh, let’s talk about something fun…” she’ll crack a joke to break up the tension, change the subject completely, or remember she has somewhere to be.
Massive red flag: Avoidance. Adults have hard conversations because they know that is the way you make something good. If she continually avoids the serious stuff, she’s telling you that she’s okay with staying superficial. You will never be able to get to the surface, as she has no intention of going deeper.
She Taps Other Guys’ Waters Right in Front of you.
You’re in a bar, at a party, anywhere, and she’s flirting with another guy, and you’re like, “What?” She openly laughs at his jokes, touches his arm when they are talking, or gives him the eye contact she doesn’t give you. Then she’ll think you’re crazy for bothering her. “We are just friends; what’s the matter with you and your insecurity?”
Disrespect in the guise of “friendliness” remains disrespect. Women who appreciate you will not make you feel like you don’t belong by flirting with other males while you are standing right next to them. She is either wondering whether she can do better, she wants you to feel jealous, or she is just not that bothered by it. Get out of that mess.
She Always Has Something Come Up When You Want to See Her
She hangs around, and her life becomes too complicated. “My sister needs to move…” “I forgot I have this thing…” “I’m so tired; let’s reschedule…” But then, you’ll see her out with friends that same night, posting stories, as if her calendar magically cleared up.
Priorities are identified through actions. If someone wants to see you, they find time, even if it means fitting you in between a busy week. But when excuses accumulate and she’s only available on her schedule? You’ll be an option she’ll have when everything is sorted out. That’s an insult, and you do; you do.
She goes silent when you’re looking for reassurance.
You’re unsure about what to do, so you ask. Perhaps you find yourself weak one way, and you think confessing to her will bring you the clarity you need, or telling her something that is important to you will be productive. And her response? Nothing. She takes a while, perhaps days, to get back to you, and when she does, she comes across as if your message wasn’t worth her while.
Emotional availability isn’t some bonus feature. It’s basic. When she shuts down when you need her to emotionally show up, she’s showing you she can’t take on the real parts of being with you. You will be more lonely in whatever you call it than if you were single.
Her Eyes Wander Everywhere Except to Yours
You’re talking to her; you’re trying to have a moment, and she’s scrolling through her phone. Or looking around the room. Or looking at the reflection of herself in the mirror behind you. Eye contact? Forget about it. She’ll give you bits and pieces of her attention, but never the full thing.
Individuals pay attention to what is important to them. If she can’t even glance at you when you’re talking, she is telling you how important you are. Don’t excuse someone who views you as a second-class citizen in her life.
She Leaves You Guessing Where You Stand
Are you dating? Hanging out? Do you see how things go? Who knows! She’ll be giving you mixed signals. Becomes your girlfriend one day and your casual acquaintance the next. You ask what, and she responds with, “Let’s take it slow and see what happens…” and you’re left to wonder what the hell you are to her.
Ambiguity is an option. She keeps things vague to give herself all the freedom, and you spin around. Mature adults communicate where they’re at and what they want. She’s playing games, that’s all.
She Keeps Everything Light and Surface-Level
Her talks are never really deep or substantial. Movies, weather, funny memes, and gossip about people you don’t know. This is the depth you’re using. If you can get her to admit that she is afraid of something or dreams about something, or if you can find out what really influenced her, she’ll laugh it off or give you a canned response that means nothing.
It may seem like it’s simple on the surface, but it’s empty. It’s impossible to reach a person who is unwilling to accept you. She’s happy when you’re out of her way and everything is fun and breezy and there’s no commitment. You will discover that you are dating a persona and not the real person over time.
She Shows Up Looking Like She Just Rolled Out of Bed
Listen, no one wants red carpet glam all the time. But when she shows up in sweatpants that she has worn while sleeping, with hair thrown up without a second thought, and meeting you is somewhere below her grocery run, it hurts. You are here trying to look nice, and she couldn’t care less.
Effort reflects interest. If someone is excited to see you, they will take some amount of care in their appearance. Coming back to you over and over and over again, as if she were doing you a favor by being there. She doesn’t care what you are, so she doesn’t even try.
She escapes the “What are we?” question. Conversation
You mention it because you want to get rid of the uncertainty. You want to know whether or not what you have is going somewhere or if you’re wasting your time. But she will do anything to not give you a straight answer. Why do we need to label it? Or can’t we see where things go? Or are you ruining the vibe by making it serious?
When a woman is not committed, she chooses to run from such honest conversations. She wants the privileges of your attention, your time, your effort without making her a part of anything real. You deserve a partner who will stake a claim on what you are, not for convenience, but because they want you around. Anything less? Time to move on.
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