Exes are an unforgettable, and at times unpleasant, experience of our love life. Their part in shaping us into the people that we become and the lessons that they impart mold our approach towards dating in general. They are a tricky topic and perhaps one of the greatest ones when it comes to dating. You don’t know how to approach this particular issue in the midst of a date. You can’t bring them up earlier in the date, lest you appear pining for them. You can’t completely avoid any mention of them either, because that makes you come off as unnecessarily evasive. So, what is the state of equilibrium here?
Don’t Mention Them First
You should let the topic come up naturally, or not at all. You should make a point of refraining from mentioning them until your current date does. If you bring it up in the initial stages of the date, then this will give the impression that you are still hung up on them. It is better to focus on the person sitting across the table from you instead of mentioning one who has departed for a while now.
Be Concise
Keep the details about your ex concise when their mention does come up. No need to supplement it with anecdotes, dramatic accounts, or rants. Just mention that it didn’t work out because of differences and move on.
Don’t Put the Blame
You should avoid blame games and not make your ex the scapegoat in the equation. It will make you look bitter and scornful. Be mature and accept the mistakes that you made in the relationship as well. It will reveal your emotional maturity to your current date, who is certainly going to appreciate it.
Skip the Comparisons
An instant recipe for disaster is comparing your current date to your ex. Don’t make comparisons in any regard. This kills the mood and is unfair to the current person. They deserve a fresh and fair start, one that isn’t marred or influenced by your ex’s shadow.
Read the Vibes
Answer gently and honestly when your date brings up the topic of your last relationship. Assess and read their vibes first, though. Are they being curious? If so, then it is fine. But if this is an interrogation, then perhaps it is best not to answer at all.
Use the Past Tense
Remember to use the past tense when you mention your ex. This shows that you have moved on and no longer think about that person anymore. You are a changed person now who is exploring new avenues for potential romance. This should be reflected in your choice of tenses.
Don’t Divulge Any Details
Don’t mention your ex’s name, career, social media handles, or any other personal details. You shouldn’t share every minute detail with your current date. The less they know about your date, the better.
Remember to Stay Cool
It means that you should stay cool emotionally. It is possible that you and your ex hadn’t departed with the best of relations, and the memories might make you visibly angry, nostalgic, or melancholic. You shouldn’t do that and keep a nonchalant look that shows you are unruffled by the mere mention of your ex. If you can’t do that, then it is a sign that you aren’t ready to start dating again, and that is completely understandable.
Don’t Overshare
Your date doesn’t need to hear about your personal drama with your ex. So, skip sharing the whole scandals, battles for custody, feuds in the family, and other bits of drama. You are on a date, not in the therapist’s office.
Reveal What You Learned
Focus on the aspect of growth when the discussion turns reflective. Highlight what you learned from your previous relationship and how it shaped you. This shows that you are emotionally aware and not concerned with being bogged down by baggage.
Don’t Flex
Don’t ever use your ex’s status, looks, career, social influence, or success level as a flex for impressing your date. This won’t work, neither in the intimidating nor impressing aspect, and will only make you seem insecure and immature to your date.
Be Subtle, Yet Honest
Remember to be kind and answer honestly when your current date inquires how your previous relationship ended. Be genuine and subtle in your approach, and don’t overshare the details.
Enjoy; Don’t Treat the Date like Therapy
You are here to enjoy yourself. So, unwind and forget your ex, and don’t engage in an intense therapy session. You don’t need to unload the trauma on your date. Save it for a close friend or an actual therapist, not some person you are looking to have a great night out with.
Extend the Same Respect
You should extend the same level of respect that your date does when it comes to the subject of exes. If they do mention their ex, then it is imperative that you don’t judge them. Listen with an open mind and empathy. Be emotionally mature and reciprocate with a deep understanding.
Read the Emotional Energy
It is most definitely a red flag when your date talks about their ex with excessive emotional energy, either negative or positive. You should respond by keeping your energy focused and calm.
End the Conversation Positively
No matter how the topic of exes arises or concludes, remember to always end it on a positive note. This conversation shouldn’t turn ugly or emotional. It should explicitly signal to your date that you have moved on and are ready to take on a new chapter in life.
Final Thoughts
Exes are something that are in the past. You have moved on, and your conduct should reflect that to your date. You are here with them, in the present. Your ex and everything they did is in the past. Affirm to your date that you are not hung up on them anymore and want to explore what the current date has to offer.
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