What I’ve Learned from Being a Father of Two

Being a dad isn’t an easy job, but you learn a lot. Here are a few insights I’ve had since becoming a father.

I recently became a father for the second time. After a (very) smooth pregnancy, my wife was admitted to the hospital after doctors discovered an abnormally high blood pressure during a routine 34.5-week checkup after experiencing no symptoms at all. 

We were fortunate the condition was identified when it was, as blood pressure that high can casue serious complications for both mom and baby. However, we delivered a healthy, if small (3 lbs 5 oz, to be exact), baby girl the next day. 

But, this isn’t a story about that. Or lessons from the NICU, where the doctors, nurses, and staff are borderline altruistic in their care. Today I’ll share what I’ve learned from balancing career, life, marriage, and being a father of two. 

Your House Won’t Be Clean. It Just Won’t. And That’s Okay.

I’m not, by nature, an especially ‘clean’ person. Of course, I don’t mean it in the literal sense, but as someone who can be scatterbrained, life gets cluttered. 

Papers pile up on my kitchen table. I forget to make my bed. Much to my wife’s chagrin, I still tend to leave my gym clothes on the bathroom floor. But when, as a graduate student, I moved into a studio apartment of my own, I made a conscious effort to keep the space organized. 

Amazingly, the habit has largely stuck. For the last decade or so, we’ve both invested significant time and effort into cleaning and organization. Having an uncluttered space helps my mental health, dials in my focus, and allows me to accomplish more in less time. 

We both did surprisingly well for years — even into our older daughter’s early years. But, in the last few months, much of that has gone out the window. 

Part of it is the sheer amount of stuff kids have. Infants, of course, outgrow clothes weekly. But, you’ll need multiple outfits for every day. Even if you’re trying to raise a child with a versatile wardrobe, you’ll be drowning in laundry before you know it. 

They’ll also outgrow toys, games, etc. in a matter of months as a consequence of physical and intellectual development. Unless you’ve got significant square footage at your disposal, you’re going to run out of space to put it all. 

Another part is the amount of time it suddenly takes to do seemingly mundane tasks. Take feeding, for example. Unless your partner is exclusively breastfeeding, there’s going to be some bottle prep involved. 

Even working in batches, the amount of time it takes to sanitize, prep, and feed is staggering. By the time you’ve completed that task, something else comes up… and then something else… and the next thing you know you’re wondering why the ironing board is still out. 

Three years ago, I would have had great difficulty accepting this reality. But, there are far bigger things to address now. And, that’s okay. 

Having a Hobby Doesn’t Make You a Neglectful Parent

Some time back, I was speaking with a friend who also has a young child. It had been a little time since we’d spoken properly, but I couldn’t help notice the entire conversation revolved around the child. Sure, we all love to brag about our kids-their school accomplishments, sports, etc., but this was different.

Somewhat offhand, I asked what they were doing for themselves — if they’d had any new hobbies, interests, or anything like that. The friend thought for a moment, but couldn’t name more than one or two things they’d done for themselves in a year or more. 

I was floored. 

I try to lift weights three days a week (though I intend to return to the regular four days when the infant is sleeping completely through the night). 

Golf can be a stressful sport for many, but for me, it’s an opportunity to get out in nature and walk for a little.

While it may not be practical to play 18 holes every weekend, the opportunity to get out once a month is invaluable for my mental health. I also believe it helps me to be a more focused parent when I’m with my children. 

And, writing for this website and others around the internet on men’s style and lifestyle, is therapeutic.

I recognize each parenting style is different. The last thing I’d hope someone to take away from this is preaching or judgment. But, I firmly believe each parent should have at least one hobby they’re able to pursue. Spending a little time for yourself recharges your batteries.

Equal Parts Of a Whole

“I’m a husband, father, and (insert career here.)” You hear it all the time. Or read it in more than one social media bio. I read that as a sum of parts adding up to who you are. 

Yes, I’m a husband. I’ve been married nine years to my college sweetheart. We’ve had our ups and downs, just like anyone else. But, when I’m talking with her, my focus is on her and what she’s saying. 

I want to listen. I want to hear her stories, her hopes, her dreams, and what she wants to do. 

As I mentioned above, I firmly believe each parent should have at least one hobby they’re able to pursue. 

Yes, I have a career. A (current) position I’m proud to hold, as it’s a collection of a decade’s worth of toil and experience. 

I’m hungry and ambitious for more. I’m willing to work to get it. But, your career doesn’t define you. You’re more than your job description.

And yes, I’m a father. Of two beautiful girls. I’m proud of them both. The first for her wit, creativity, and kindness. The second for what she’s already overcome. 

As many parents do, I’ll talk about them frequently. (I’m writing about them now). Being a parent does mean sacrificing some of yourself. Giving life to someone else is, in my mind, a selfless act. But, being a parent doesn’t define who I am. It’s part of the whole. 

I recognize your situation may look different than mine. Maybe you and your partner are separated, divorced, or co-parenting. Maybe you’re the sole wage-earning parent. Maybe your partner is. Or, perhaps your children are grown and you don’t get on with them the way you once did. 

Maximize and Be Intentional About Your Time

I wrote earlier about the time it now takes, with two children, to accomplish previously routine tasks. How is it possible to get done what you need to?

It goes without saying there’s a whole sub-industry of self-help books on the subject, but I don’t think anyone has truly cracked the code. Here are two strategies that have worked for me. 

First, maximize your time. If you’re working out and you have 45 minutes, work out. This means removing distractions. That text. That meme. That viral TikTok video. They’ll be there in 45 minutes. The seconds you spend doomscrolling are seconds wasted from accomplishing the task you came to do.

Second, and running in conjunction with the first, is to be intentional about what you’re doing and the time in which you’re doing it. For me, that’s a checklist. To use the workout example, I have 45 minutes to do chest and back. 

I have 45 minutes to complete those sets and I will maximize that effort for that time. It helps to keep me on track and accomplish the same amount in less time.

This is, admittedly, far easier said than done. But, the conscious effort to do this has ultimately made me more productive and better (not completely, but better) able to balance many spinning plates.

Your Sense of Style May Not Change, But What You Wear Will. And That’s Also Okay.

This is perhaps a discussion for an entire article on its own, but I’d be remiss not to touch on how my style has evolved, and how it’s stayed very much the same. 

First, it’s important to rely upon the foundation of versatile pieces and embrace a minimalist wardrobe. I don’t have time to plot and plan outfits Monday through Friday the way I once did. 

Most mornings I need something now that I don’t have to think about and I know will work. 

That means that I utilize neutral colors — greys, browns, blues, and greens. Usually, around the house, I wear a medium-wash or raw, broken-in pair of jeans or well-loved chinos. And, on many days, I  don a button-down shirt. 

The simple act of putting on a ‘real’ shirt, rather than the beat-up tee and sweatpants, helps my energy levels.

Second, I prioritize easily washable fabrics. Cottons are easier to quickly wash than wools, and many technical fabrics can wick, well, all kinds of moisture. I try, however, to limit technical fabrics to in-home use only. 

Third, recognize you might not be able to break out your best stuff for a bit. The beautiful Shetland jumper may have to sit in storage while the little one is sick. Or, you might find you prefer a hard-wearing G-Shock over a nice automatic watch.

No Two Kids Are Alike

“Well, our first one wasn’t like this!” I’ve said this to myself at least once a day for the last eight weeks. 

Our first child was a dream. 

She slept completely through the night starting at about 12 weeks. Even-keeled. Ate well. Was rarely sick. Our second is exactly the opposite. 

It’s been taxing, yes. It makes the first five items on this very difficult to adhere to. But, my wife and I have become more of a team and learned what we can. Ultimately, I think we’ll be stronger for it. 

It’s Okay To Ask For Help

Parenting, especially with two kids, can feel isolated and lonely for both parents. Some of it may be from distance, especially if one or both sets of grandparents aren’t around or don’t live close by. 

Some of it may be from friends, who don’t want to ‘bother’ you. I’ve found that to be especially true with those who don’t have children. 

Or, the creeping feelings of jealousy and envy of friends without children who can pop off for a weekend getaway in the mountains or hop a flight to the islands… or even go to dinner without arranging childcare days in advance and praying no one cancels or gets sick. 

I feel we’ve been told to suppress these feelings. That they’re unnatural. The truth is, it happens. 

It’s okay to ask for help. Ask for help from your parents, if you have a good relationship with them. Ask for help from your friends, even if they don’t have kids, or say they don’t want to ‘bother’ you. You’ll be surprised who turns up.

I recognize this may be a little different piece than you’re used to from me. But, I’m grateful for the opportunity to share these thoughts with you and offer this perspective on fatherhood, especially of two. 

Thanks for reading. 

What insights have you had as a dad? Feel free to leave a comment and share.