Have you ever wondered how to be a gentleman? In such uncivil times, I think it’s worth seeking out the timeless fundamentals of this concept.
Cynics say that a true gentleman is an illusion. I disagree, but I can see why some feel this way. Humans are, by nature, imperfect. And when artists explore the concept, they often explicate one of two depictions.
There’s Pip from Great Expectations, who becomes a gentleman in status but falters morally. Then there’s Gone with the Wind’s Ashley Wilkes, who’s a tragic archetype.
When it comes to how to be a gentleman in real life, no one man can emulate it comprehensively. But one can, and should, persistently try.
The world today is about learning, trial by fire, and how to behave in new spaces. Some are social spaces provided by technology. Others are spaces of changing mores and wild pendulum swings.
Now more than ever, I think it’s important for men to stick to classic strength and civility. As my grandfather always said, We’ve been reading Marcus Aurelius for thousands of years. That means something.
What Is a Gentleman? The Gentleman Definition
I want to start by giving a dictionary definition of the concept. What is a gentleman?
Well, according to several dictionaries, it’s a man who’s honorable, courteous, and chivalrous. Some might call these features vague. I’d say they’re universal. Applicable at any time and in any space.
The term itself comes from historical British social classes. A gentleman is the youngest son of the youngest son a peer. For example, the youngest son of a baronet, who ranks below a baron, might be called a gentleman.
I mention this for two reasons. First, it’s funny that we aspire to a term once reserved for the lowest-ranking gentry. Second, I think it’s symbolic that we do use the phrase. Everyone can aspire to it, no matter their background.
The Gentleman Meaning
Now, let’s break this down even further.
Honor
What does it mean to be honorable? Words that come to mind include honesty, respect, strength, fortitude, and diligence.
Secondary qualities I think of include intelligence, a good work ethic, and charm. I consider these secondary because everyone is different. I’m personally not that naturally smart — I hope that doesn’t take me out of the running to be a gentleman.
They’re also secondary because you can be smart, a hard worker, or charming but not honorable.
An honorable man is an overall principled man. Archetypes that exemplify this include classic superheroes like Superman or Captain America.
Courteousness
Next up, what is courteousness? I’d say it means being civil, which is possible even during a heated argument. It means being attentive and considerate, whether to your colleagues or the dress code.
James Bond is a good paradigm for this, especially since he’s such a wildly imperfect gentleman.
He participates in proper, well-mannered dinner parties with his very own adversaries. He always follows dress codes. He has respect for M even when he’s breaking the rules. And, though he displays an aggressive type of strength, he rarely raises his voice.
Chivalry
And finally, what is it to be chivalrous? It’s similar to honor and courteousness. However, while courteousness is more akin to good, conventional manners, chivalry is more akin to politeness.
This is why we often associate chivalry with men treating women properly. A man doesn’t have to go to finishing school to have an inherent idea of how to put a woman at ease.
Meanwhile, chivalry is similar to honor in that it’s also about protecting the weak. A chivalrous man protects his family.
A good example is Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird. In the story, the lawyer defends an innocent African-American man despite the racial bias at the time. Even more, Finch implores to respect the struggles of others.
7 Gentleman’s Rules
For the modern gentleman, here are some tenets that I’ve extracted from the above qualities from my perspective.
Be Confident, Not Arrogant
The secret to being confident? Two things.
First, when failure isn’t an option, do every law-abiding thing you can to ensure success. Freak accidents aside, anyone can say, pass an exam. No matter how difficult it is, it’s a matter of preparation and putting in the hours to master the material.
When you come across something this cut and dry, do the legwork so that you can approach it with true confidence.
Second, you may face a challenge in which chance plays a huge role outside of your control. You still have to do your best to get the results you want, but have a plan either way.
In general, know your strengths and accept and work on your weaknesses.
Also, face your fears. Find something you’re terrified of, and take it on. Go skydiving or something.
And finally, let your results speak for themselves. You don’t need to run around peacocking how great you are at things or how much better you are than people. Calling someone dumb or fat doesn’t make you any smarter or fitter. Arrogance is a sign of weakness, not strength.
Relatedly, decisiveness is better than indecisiveness.
Respect vs Dignity: The First Step to Worldliness
Dignity is one’s inherent worth. We all have it, and we all deserve to be treated with dignity. Respect, on the other hand, needs to be earned.
You don’t deserve to be admired, looked up to, or trusted just because you’re a human being with dignity.
On a similar note, have you ever noticed how the stereotypical gentleman is always impeccably dressed? This is because he respects dress codes.
When a person or establishment has graciously offered to host you, you owe them sartorial respect.
This, along with good hygiene, also shows self-respect. Also, keep fit and get good at at least one sport.
Accept the Realities of Life’s Challenges
Life isn’t fair. Don’t cry about it.
Of course, there’s such a thing as proper righteous indignation.
Still, fixing injustices starts with yourself and the closest people around you. Remember, Atticus Finch was a lawyer. So, he chose to defend a wrongfully accused person in his community. He had the power and qualifications to do so.
Your specific power might serve you well for one thing and not the other. Do something about that one thing; don’t cry over the other.
Stoicism and Fortitude Aren’t the Same As Stoicness and Ignoring Your Feelings
Gentlemanly behavior is all about grace under fire.
I’m proud of society for being more open about mental health. This is a good thing, especially since men, sadly, have a higher rate of suicide.
However, accepting your feelings and understanding your fears and anxiety aren’t an excuse to act crazy or cowardly. Be brave even when you’re not.
In a world full of screaming outrage, show fortitude. Channel your negative feelings into something productive.
Demonstrate Civility and Manners, Even With Your Enemies
No, this doesn’t mean letting your enemies walk all over you. Au contraire.
You don’t have to be kind, just civil. It makes you look unflappable, strong, and unmoved by those trying to get to you.
This is you figuratively dodging his punches and using his energy against him.
By the way, if some guy is actually literally physically assaulting you, definitely defend yourself. So, you know, learn to throw a decent punch too.
Don’t Talk About Politics, Religion, and Money in Passing
Don’t engage with soundbites; stop commenting on social media, and save your important opinions for those who matter.
Not everyone needs to hear your values when you’re out here living them. Moreover, not everyone deserves to hear your values. Keep your cards close.
And when someone does deserve to know, come from a place of trading information. Discuss politics, religion, and money should in a meaningful, non-emotional way.
Knowledge Is Power
Don’t focus on being the smartest person in the room. Even if you are, you’re in the wrong room. Besides, the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. So if you think you know everything, be worried.
Instead, focus on being an open, inoffendable, and constant learner.
How To Be a Gentleman to a Woman
No man is the perfect gentleman, but treating women with the respect they deserve is a start.
These days, you never know what to wear on a first date, right? Will they be impressed or offended if you hold the door for them? Be open and do your best. With any luck, at the end of the date, you’ll both have working knowledge of whether or not you’re compatible.
But universally, put your phone away on dates.
Also, universally, don’t save your best, most thoughtful moments when the relationship is new and exciting.
Yes, you’re trying to impress her. That’s part of courting. I get that.
However, long-term girlfriends, years-long wives, and mothers of our children deserve these acts to a greater degree. Everyone needs love and acts of love, but one must be deserving of it.
A gentleman knows that a good woman who has stuck by his side deserves it the most.
Conclusion: Strength and Honesty
When it comes to how to be a gentleman, you can arguably deduce it down to strength and honesty. Men should be strong. Good men are honest.
Applying this to every part of your life will give you the foundation of gentlemanly behavior. It takes strength to be confident and polite, especially during uncivil times.
And hey, knowing how to do a wine pairing helps, too.
What are some of your tenets of being a gentleman? Let’s start a conversation in the comments!
