We have all met someone in our lives who had the potential to be an amazing partner. It could have been the temperamental artist, who just needed to be understood; the emotionally distant partner, who might just open up if given the time; or the good-looking but sentimental individual who you were sure you could fix. But here is the cold, hard truth: when you date someone to fix them, it rarely ends well. The whole endeavor is exhausting and tiring, and it leaves you questioning your sanity. You become trapped in a chaotic whirlwind where no matter what you do, no positive change is achieved. Love can stimulate growth; that is true. But it certainly can’t help someone who doesn’t want to put in the effort themselves. Read on and learn why it is a waste of time trying to date someone to fix them.
You Become Their Therapist
You don’t become their partner or lover. Rather, you end up playing the role of therapist, one who manages and regulates their moods, issues, and emotions. You aren’t experiencing love in this sort of relationship, just emotional labor.
You Conflate Love with Pity
You need to realize that feeling sorry for someone doesn’t mean you love them. Compassion is attractive and beautiful, but you need to practice caution to not let it turn into attraction. You should pity the ones who are broken, not start mistaking it for profundity or growth.
You Can’t Save Someone Who Doesn’t Wish to be Saved
If a person is not ready to face their demons and fix themselves, then all your efforts will be wasted. You can love and love them but they won’t be able to change without willingness. The positive change that you want to see in them needs to come from within them. Your affection will only serve as the catalyst under these circumstances; otherwise, it will be less than useless.
You Look at the Potential, not the Red Flags
You keep deluding yourself that someday they might become the ideal partner. The hard truth is that that day will never come. You will be just stuck trying to cater to their chaotic and ambivalent needs and when the relationship implodes, you will be left with nothing more than just picking up the pieces.
You Ignore Your Own Needs
You begin to neglect your own self. Your needs for praise, validation, emotional satisfaction, and more are swept aside in their favor. They trap you into their world so deeply that you aren’t able to extricate yourself long enough to practice self-care. You begin to fade into the background, while they begin to dominate your life.
It Creates an Unbalanced Dynamic
Your relationship is bound to be unbalanced when one partner becomes the focus of all attention. You are playing the part of the rescuer while they are the project. This disrupts the balance in the relationship and allows silent frustration and resentment to simmer in the middle.
You Confuse Drama for Passion
It is easy to confuse the chaos that these people bring to your life for passion. It starts feeling like real, intense love, but it is nothing more than emotional exhaustion. It takes a toll on your energy and leaves you drained.
It Slows Down Your Own Healing
You can begin to ignore your own pain when the urge to fix someone becomes overpowering. You let your problems escalate to a level that they leave you depressed and unable to cope. That is absolutely wrong, as caring for someone else shouldn’t come at the cost of your own health or sanity.
You Make them Dependent on Yourself
You aren’t becoming their partner but rather their defender and safety net. That is because you keep rescuing them from tough situations without letting them stand up for themselves. They stop taking responsibility and dump all of their burdens on you, like dependents do. They never attain growth and in a way, you are to blame for it all.
It Makes You Feel Important
The thing is, it feels absolutely amazing to be needed. It feeds your sense of self-importance and boosts your ego. But this feeling is fleeting and fades with time. By then, it is too late and you realize that you have now been burdened with an impossible task.
They Might Resent You
It is a probability that these people like the way they are. They are masochists who like what they have made their life into. They will probably resent you for your attempts at changing them or making them better. They will question your motives, no matter how noble they might be. After all, no one likes to be treated like a project.
You Delay Meeting Someone Appropriate
You are wasting your time looking after someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. This time can be better spent trying to find someone who matches your vibe and energy. You deserve to be with someone who reciprocates your advances, is emotionally mature, and is ready to be your partner and lover.
It Makes it Difficult to Distinguish Between Love and Obligation
In the beginning, you do love these emotionally broken people. However, as time progresses, the line between love and obligation blurs. You begin to feel responsible for them, their progress, and their well-being. They become an obligation for you and that’s simply not love. It is nothing more than guilt disguised as loyalty.
Your Self-Worth Begins to Deteriorate
Your sense of self-worth is sure to take a beating when your love keeps being blocked. You start to question whether you are enough for them. The reality is that it has nothing to do with your worth. They are not ready to change and all your efforts and diligence can do nothing if there is no readiness from their side.
You Can’t Heal Wounds You Didn’t Inflict
You can’t rewrite someone’s past like the way you support them during their period of healing. You didn’t cause the trauma that led to these people being broken in the first place. So, can anything you do fix what you didn’t break? You should instead focus on getting them the professional assistance and help that they need. That will be far better for them than anything you do, which has a high probability of breaking them even further.
Love is Acceptance
Genuine love isn’t about attempting to repair or change someone; it is accepting them for who they are. Everyone has flaws and you have to learn to live with them. If you are entering a relationship with the sole intent of fixing it, then you are just setting yourself up for failure from the start.
Final Thoughts
You can’t bring someone back from the brink by loving them. They can’t be made whole unless they are ready to take the steps towards wellness. You can only be there for them and attempt to help them but don’t think for a second that only your love will suffice.
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