16 Indicators That Tell Whether a Marriage is Built to Last (Or Not)

There are a thousand and one theories about what makes marriages work, aren’t there? Most of them sound like they were written by a guy who’s never been married. The true indicators are in the moments of Tuesday afternoon, not in the vows.

You’ll see them in action when two people have to deal with a broken dishwasher, a bad day at work, or a choice of where to spend Christmas. These are the things that really count when you’re wondering if what you have will make it to year five or year fifty.

Both of you wake up and decide this is still worth it. 

1. Both of You Wake Up and Decide This Is Still Worth It

Every single day, you make a choice. Perhaps you don’t consider it in those terms, but that’s what you do when you wake up in the morning and see the person next to you. Which marriages are lasting? They’re created by two individuals who continue to select one another, even when selecting one another is difficult.

You’ll wake up some mornings and remember how much better life would be without you. You’ll recall the feeling of having the whole bed to yourself, of making decisions without consulting, of living on your own terms. But then you make a conscious, deliberate choice (actively, consciously) that what you’ve created together is more important than the fleeting excitement of going solo. That choice, made thousands of mornings, is the basis on which all other choices are built. 

2. What You Thought Marriage Would Be Actually Matches What It Is

You had some expectations when you went in. Perhaps you envisioned lazy Sunday mornings and long chats over coffee. Perhaps you envisioned a partner who would divide the responsibilities 50/50 and would truly get you on a basic level. The question is, did you have expectations? The important thing is if it was reasonably close to reality.

When the difference between what I signed up for and what I actually got becomes too large, marriages fall apart. Small differences are okay. They found out you’re grumpy before coffee; you learned they need an hour of decompression after work. But when the essence of their being shocks you years later? What if the life you’re living together is not the life you both wanted? When people begin to look for the door. 

3. Making Plans Together Feels Easy Because You Genuinely Enjoy Their Company

Does the word “next weekend,” “next summer,” or “next decade” sound like a business meeting or something you’re looking forward to? A lot can be learned about a marriage by observing two people plan a vacation. Do they light up? Or does one person sigh and say, “I guess we should probably do something”?

The couples who make it feel like it’s a time together. They don’t need other people around to make dinner interesting. They’ll offer to do things together, but not as if it’s a duty. You want them there for the boring stuff (grocery shopping, waiting at the DMV, picking out paint colors). If it feels better to be with them than without them, you have something real. 

4. The Things That Bug You About Them Stay Small Annoyances

He keeps the doors of the cabinet open. She cuts you off when you’re telling stories. They chew too loudly, forget to replace the toilet paper, or never put their keys in the same place twice. These are the things that every marriage has. The difference is that they remain minor irritations, or they become a symbol of all your life’s problems.

In a good marriage, you will gripe about the thing and perhaps even get frustrated, but it does not escalate to a larger issue. You don’t think, “They can’t close a cabinet door; they don’t respect me or our home or anything we’ve built together. You say to yourself, “They’re a pain about cabinets,” and then you forget about them. If the issues remain issues rather than the basis for a bigger problem against your husband, you should be okay. 

5. You’ll Sit Down With a Therapist Before Everything Goes Off the Rails

Most people use therapy as an ambulance (when they are already bleeding out). The couples that remain together? They’ll show up at a therapist’s office on a random Tuesday because they saw a trend they didn’t like, or they want to communicate better, or they think prevention is better than crisis management.

Don’t be embarrassed to seek assistance before it is too late. In fact, it contains a lot of wisdom. You’re telling them, “We’re worth the investment. We’re going to learn how to do this better. The marriages that last treat professional help as routine maintenance, rather than emergency surgery. They don’t wait till someone’s already got one foot out the door. 

6. Watching Them Succeed Makes You Feel Good Inside

Your spouse gets a raise, finishes a big project, or finally nails that thing they’ve been working on for months. How do you feel? If you’re honest, you’ll say “proud” or “happy for them”; this is a green flag the size of Texas. If your initial reaction is “Oh, they’ll be impossible to deal with” or if you begin comparing their success to your own situation, then you’re thinking something else.

When both are able to celebrate each other without counting, marriages flourish. When good things happen to them, you’re really pumped. You boast about their achievements to your friends. Their victories are your victories in some way (you are a team, and teams celebrate when any member does well). 

7. Touching Each Other Stays Part of Your Daily Life

Little touches. This is what we’re discussing. A hand on the small of your back when passing in the kitchen. Playing with hair while watching TV. Grasping his hand in the car. Physical affection without an attempt to do anything else.

If couples stop touching each other unless they are trying to get something they want, it is a red flag. You’re connected by the physical touch that’s so natural and unconsciously given that it communicates, “I like you being near me. You don’t have to be on each other’s case all the time, but if you’ve turned into two people who only talk to each other out of obligation or when they’re looking to get laid, you’ve lost something important. 

8. Dealing With Each Other’s Families Brings You Closer Instead of Driving You Apart

In-laws are a whole other ball game. However, how you deal with those relationships says a lot about your marriage. Do you take care of one another? Are you a team player? Or does family business create another wedge between you?

The marriages that work learn to deal with family pressure together. When his mom says something passive-aggressive, you support each other. When her dad tries to give unsolicited advice, you deflect as a team. You don’t have to blame your husband or wife for your own family’s behavior, and you don’t want your husband or wife to be responsible for your family’s behavior. Family stress can either bring you together or divide you. There’s not much middle ground. 

9. Being Quiet in the Same Room Feels Comfortable

You’re both home. Nobody’s talking. You’re reading, and they’re scrolling through their phone, or maybe you’re both doing completely different things in the same space. Does that make you feel good? Or is it silent? Is there something amiss?

Couples who can no longer live together without constant entertainment or conversation. There is a quiet between us that is like a companion, perhaps even a peaceful one. Do not make every moment a talking or activity time. You can just be present in the moment. If you can share space without having to perform or interact, if being together feels like being alone, you’ve created something that can withstand just about anything. 

10. They Push You to Believe in a Better Version of Yourself

Your husband or wife sees who you can be. Not in an annoying “I’m going to fix you” kind of way, but in an “I believe you’re capable of more than you think you are” kind of way. They push you to do things that you are afraid of. They tell you when you’re not being your best. They won’t let you make excuses.

This is not about changing your core. This is the idea of having someone in your corner who believes you can grow and will call you out when you’re playing small. The best marriages are between two people who make each other better, braver, more willing to take risks (because they know someone’s got their back if they fall). 

11. How You Split Up House Stuff Predicts How Happy You’ll Be

Who does the dishes? Who remembers to purchase toilet paper? Who makes the dentist appointments and pays the electric bill and notices when you’re out of laundry detergent? Household division of labor is more important than people think.

When one person takes on the mental burden of the marriage and the other person takes a passive role, the marriage is in trouble. It is not necessary to divide everything in half. Perhaps one person cooks and the other cleans, or one person takes care of the money and the other takes care of the appointments. However, both parties must feel they are playing fairly. Once you’ve got the balance right, life becomes so much easier. 

12. Hiding Money From Each Other Isn’t Something You Do

Financial infidelity is the ultimate death omen for a marriage. Secret credit cards, hidden purchases, loans your spouse isn’t aware of (this stuff erodes trust faster than nearly anything else). The couples who succeed are straightforward about finances, even when it’s not easy.

You talk about what you’re spending. You make big financial decisions together. No secret accounts or purchases to hide. This is not to say that you have to approve every coffee or report every dollar, but big stuff? You’re on the same page. You share the truth of your finances with one another, and that trust is what makes marriages work. 

13. After You Fight, You Both Want to Fix It

Every couple fights. The difference is what happens after. Are you both looking to fix things up? Or does one person storm off, leaving the other to try to work out how to make peace? Are you holding onto a grudge for days, or can you get past it and move on?

Two people who are committed to resolution in marriages that last. It may take some time to cool down (ok). But then you both return to the table. Both of you want to know what went wrong. Both of you are concerned about making things right. It’s not possible for one person to take on the whole emotional burden of the relationship repair every time. It requires both of you to be uncomfortable in order to get back to good. 

14. How You Describe Them to Other People Reveals Everything

Be mindful of your language when you’re not with your spouse. Do you light up? Speak affectionately; perhaps poke fun lovingly? Do you roll your eyes and start complaining? Are the stories of what your spouse did funny, or are there a lot of complaints?

Your tone of voice reveals your feelings towards your partner when you talk to others. If they’re seen as incompetent, annoying, or someone you’re just tolerating in most of your stories, there’s a problem. The couples who do a good job of representing each other, even when they are frustrated. They may blow off steam from time to time (we all do), but the story is generally good. They are happy to be married to this person, and it is evident in their conversation. 

15. You Married Someone You Actually Enjoy Spending Time With

Take away the common money, the children (if there are any), the house, the responsibilities, everything. If you were given a random Saturday on which you can do whatever you want with anyone, would you pick your spouse? Would you really want them around?

This is a no-brainer, but many people remain in an unhappy marriage. They love them, perhaps, in some abstract way. They have created a life for themselves. However, do they get along? Would they like to spend time together if they didn’t have to? The marriages that endure are those that would be repeated if there were no compulsion. 

16. The Way You Argue Shows Whether This Thing Will Last

All you need to know about a marriage can be gleaned from how two people fight. Do they listen to each other or wait their turn? Do they name-call or bring up old issues that are not related to the problem? Do they try to hurt each other on purpose?

Healthy couples fight about the actual issue at hand. They don’t go for the jugular. They don’t say things that are meant to hurt the most. They take a break when it gets too hot. They take responsibility for their own share of the issue rather than the other person. The difference between a marriage that survives conflict and a marriage that implodes because of conflict is fighting well (with respect, with the goal of understanding each other rather than winning).