Marriage is a beautiful but extremely unpredictable journey. Some phases of marriage are filled with happiness, harmony and love, while some with confusion, uncertainty and resentment. It is very common to see a lot of couples start contemplating when their marriage is over when faced with the latter. It is usually at this time when most spouses rush to reach the conclusion that it’s over. However, it is wise to ask yourself a few questions before you assume this. This might change your perspective and you may not have regrets later. Because sometimes what may seem like the end to us may be the beginning of a beautiful journey.
Have I been honest about my true feelings? Or am I just reacting out of anger?
Ask yourself, have you conveyed the issue that is bothering you in all honesty? Or are you only annoyed without communicating your deepest concerns to your spouse?
Am I being defensive and responding without understanding my partner?
Listening with an intention of understanding and accommodating your partner’s concerns is the most significant communication tool. If you let your ego react instead of listening, you are bound to negatively affect your connection with your spouse.
Am I angry over the current issue or is it past resentment?
In marriages unhealed past traumas can pile up and manifest as deep-rooted resentment. This is why it is important to ask yourself is my anger about the current problem or am I angry about the series of past hurts? Many times, even small marital issues spiral out of control because we let past resentment dictate our tone and feelings.
Have I been self-accountable if too may be responsible for the current struggles?
Pointing out flaws in your partner is easy. But have you ever tried focusing on your own flaws? Have you been assessing yourself through the same lens of accountability? Have you thought about ways you could change things to save your marriage?
Do I implement the same in my conduct towards my partner as I expect to be treated?
As marriage matures, sometimes you change the way you behave and talk around your partner. Before you assume your marriage has reached a point of no return, ask yourself will you talk in the same manner and tone to a friend as you currently treat your spouse?
Have I stopped taking an interest in my Partner’s Life?
Living together, couples become acquainted with each other’s mindset and to them every move of their spouse seems predictable. This assumption leads to a point of stagnation where you stop showing curiosity in knowing what’s on your partner’s mind. If this sounds like you? Maybe you could fix this problem by taking interest in knowing your partner’s thoughts before you think of ending the marriage.
Are you responding to win arguments or to resolve the issues at hand?
They say marriage is a partnership, a victory for both is a victory for the marriage. Ask yourself, have you been keeping scores and trying to win every argument? Or are you arguing to reach a mutually acceptable resolution to the challenges in your marital life? For healing, a mutual victory where both of you win as a team is the best solution. This approach however takes open-mindedness and understanding from both sides. Don’t let your ego win over your marriage!
IIs there a communication barrier between you?
One often overlooked factor is the outdated mode of communication. Maybe, your way of communication no longer serves your marriage and you need to amend the way you communicate or perhaps devise a new way to communicate. Ask yourself are you and your spouse willing to unlearn old patterns and adopt new ways of communicating, to save your marriage?
When was the last time you were genuinely happy as a couple and laughed together?
Take a close look at your life, have you guys been laughing and having fun together? Or is this element missing from your relationship? A lack of laughter shows a crack in the emotional bonding between the partners. Sometimes all you need is a hearty laughter to fix your seemingly strained bond.
Am I allowing resentment to win over my desire to reconcile?
Resentment is the enemy of trust. If you are not letting go of resentment, it’s impossible to reestablish trust for your partner.
Do I have the Me versus You mindset?
When you have unresolved traumas and challenges sometimes you may end up harboring grudges against your partner. In every marital problem that surfaces, you start viewing your spouse as the villain in your story. You can never lead a happy marriage if you do think of each other as opponents rather than a team.
Have External Factors Added Negatively to your Relationship?
Ask yourself, am I allowing outside stressors like finances, children, work etc. impact my bond with my spouse? Both of you could be projecting your frustrations onto each other, unknowingly.
Have we spent quality time together lately?
Have you started perceiving your marriage as an irrevocably damaged bond? When this pessimistic mindset sets in, there fades the desire to reignite the spark in your marriage. To rescue your failing marriage, a cup of coffee together, a weekly date night, revisiting old days, a long drive without kids, all such apparently simple steps can have a significantly positive impact on your marriage.
Have I voiced my concerns and expectations clearly and loudly?
Although visibly innocuous, silent expectations are extremely dangerous to any relationship. Ask yourself, have you been clear about your expectations of your spouse? Or have you quietly allowed resentment over unmet expectations to build over?
Have I allowed comparisons to ruin our peace?
Comparison is the silent killer of a relationship. Couples may compare their lives to the picture-perfect life in the stories of Instagram influencers or other happy couples around. This leads to discontent with your own spouse and marriage. Many times, understanding the fact that there is more to each couple than what meets the eye. So, remove comparison out of your life and see the magic happen.
What do I need to reconnect with my spouse?
Be honest with yourself. To solve a problem, you have to diagnose it first. Is it lack of quality time? Clear communication? Incessant comparisons? Then work towards improving that aspect of your married life.
Have we decided to quit too early?
Family counseling and other ways you could seek help to save your marriage could prove a turning point for your relationship. So, always give your marriage a second chance!
Final Thoughts
In the end, every marriage goes through different seasons, both happy and sad. During the rainy days, ask yourself: Is there even an iota of love and respect left in your heart for your partner? If your heart says yes, then choosing to salvage your relationship is absolutely worth the fight!
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