Marriage is usually shown on social media and presented as a paradise on earth by the older generation. Many single people fail to see the practical side of marriage and enter into one without preparation for what awaits them. Marriage is not just breakfast in bed or an adrenaline rush all the time, while these may be true for the initial honeymoon phases these are transient feelings. The excitement takes a back seat when responsibilities, finances, children or other factors start to overtake. Marriage is a bitter sweet journey, filled with its fair share of highs and lows, you will witness the best and worst days together, grow together and learn the realities of life together. Emotional maturity, growth, conflicts are all intertwined in even the happiest marriages. From a psychologist point of view understanding these 15 hard truths before you rush into a serious commitment will help develop a healthier and stronger connection as you are both mentally prepared for any challenges
Love Is Not Enough to Sustain a Marriage
While some couples may get into a marriage head on with the promise of till death does us apart and that their love will always be enough to make any lows feel bearable. The reality is quite the contrary once the practicalities of life kick in and poor communication, misaligned values, responsibilities and other marital issues emerge, love is the first to be hit and replaced by resentment.
Conflict Is Inevitable and Necessary
Frequent fights and disagreements are a sign of a healthy relationship. If you get overwhelmed from even a single fight and start thinking of separating ways then your approach needs a fix. Instead of growing apart from your partner, work together as a team to fight the problem, not each other. Conflicts may be a healthy sign only as long as the repair is healthy. This deepens your connection and prevents a major fallout.
You and Your Partner Can’t Meet Every Need
Another important advice by psychologists is to not think of your partner as your ultimate savior and someone who will fill that void in your life. Many marriages fail not because two people were incompatible but because there were unrealistic expectations from one partner’s side. It’s not humanly possible for a single person to tick all the boxes on your checklist. Adaptability and rationality are the keys to keeping a check on your expectations and hopes and sustaining a healthy bond. The best way to do it: Have a life of your own outside the marriage to feel fulfilled rather than relying on your partner.
Emotional Labor Isn’t Always Equal
Maybe you two made a promise to uphold equality as the foundational value of your marriage but down the road you will realize one partner is always doing more emotionally. For instance, it’s mostly the women who have to take up more responsibilities like keeping a mental track of appointments, events, children’s needs and household affairs. While the men may toil to establish emotional and financial security for the family. The key is to appreciate each other’s work and have a clear and honest conversation about your workload if it’s weighing heavily on your mental health instead of allowing quiet resentment to fester.
Marriage Requires Ongoing Maintenance
Marriage is not a one time commitment or confession of love. It’s a commitment of a lifetime, you have to renew the love, the feelings, the joy every day through earnest and intentional efforts. Like spending quality time with each other, helping each other around the house, complimenting each other more often for the good parts and so on. When you make your marriage your priority it naturally keeps the joy, romance and emotional intimacy alive in a marriage.
Communication Takes Skill and Constant Practice
Many people may not be great at communication, and the real challenge for them is to learn to communicate effectively and respectfully to salvage their marriage when it gets into trouble. Little but consistent practice can make you an expert at clear and honest communication which is critical for a happy married life.
You Will Both Change Over Time
People change the way they express love. Adapting to the changing times, and giving space and motivation to each other to grow personally, spiritually, emotionally and professionally rather than refusing to emotionally move on from the initial honeymoon phase will only backfire. The kiss on the forehead before bed may get replaced by your partner tucking you in bed as you lay on the living room couch fatigued, the breakfast in bed might be replaced with him staying up to take care of the baby while you take some rest. Different phases of marriage will show you a different version of your partner. The relationship experts emphasise you should embrace the change or growth rather than resisting it.
Intimacy Evolves and Must Be Cultivated
Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are positively correlated to each other. The absence of emotional intimacy is seen as indifference to physical romance. A happy couple takes care of each other’s emotional world to keep their spark from dimming. When your partner’s emotional needs are being met, they will always feel physically drawn towards you and vice versa.
Romance Doesn’t Maintain Itself
Just like a plant can’t survive without water, romance can’t survive without sincere consistent efforts. Many couples get so buried beneath the responsibilities and management aspect of marriage they give little attention to keeping the flames of passion and attraction alive.
Money Can Be a Major Source of Conflict
Financial matters could be the battleground of many marital conflicts. When a partner is secretive about his spending, spends extravagantly or indulges in wasteful expensive hobbies, debts may pile up and the marriage suffers as a consequence. It’s wise to have mutual understanding on financial management and respect each other’s perspective.
You Can’t “Fix” Your Partner
Love can heal but love can’t force someone to give up parts of themselves. Such love would be control disguised as care and love. And will only build deep seated anger and frustration. You must honor your partner’s individuality and autonomy instead of trying to change them.
Resentment Builds When Issues Are Ignored
The secret to a happy and long lasting marriage as suggested by most psychologists and relationship experts is “clear and transparent communication”. You can’t brush matters of significance no matter how uncomfortable they are under the rug or shut down whenever your partner brings up a serious conversation on the cards. When issues are ignored for too long, the silence that may give an illusion of peace momentarily will end with a loud collapse of the marriage. Emotionally intelligent couples never allow these emotional barriers to cultivate resentment.
Marriage Teaches Self-Awareness
Many couples counselors tell an important fact about marriages, many people get to learn more about themselves, their own flaws, patterns, triggers, their attachment styles, and lack of emotional capacity from a marriage. This self awareness is an important indicator of a relationship’s good health.
Being on the Same Team Matters More Than Winning
When you enter a relationship and do that out of genuine love and true affection you will go to any lengths to continue your marriage. The struggles and disagreements will teach you an important lesson: sometimes losing an argument is a win for your partnership, and ego is the enemy of team spirit.
A Strong Marriage Is Built on Daily Choices
Marriage is the best and the hardest decision you will ever take. It demands effort, commitment, devotion and loyalty. It’s the sense of obligation and consistent actions you take daily, towards ensuring an emotionally and physically safe world for your spouse that define the path of your marriage, that is if it’s a successful one or a failure.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is a thoroughly rewarding and calming journey if you start it on the right foot, and it could prove to be the most nerve wrecking experience if you allow ego, disrespect, ingratitude, poor communication and resentment to dominate your relationship. Starting a relationship with wishful thinking and high hopes that you need love alone for your marriage to make it till your last breath would only be a fantasy. Love fades when the red flags are overlooked or enabled in a marriage. Taking responsibility for your own shortcomings, appreciating the good while focusing less on the negative addressing issues as soon as they originate are the healthiest coping mechanisms in the face of chaos are the best ways to proactively deepen emotional intimacy and strengthen your relationship. Make a promise that you are willing to learn, grow, and stay loyal to each other through thick and thin.
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