You can probably pinpoint the exact moment things started feeling off with your spouse. Maybe it was a fight that never really got resolved. Maybe you both got too busy and forgot to check in with each other. Or maybe it happened so slowly you didn’t even notice until one day you realized you’re living with a stranger who happens to share your last name.
But don’t lose hope just yet. The truth is, you can turn this around without hiring a therapist, booking a couples retreat, or having some big dramatic conversation where you both cry and promise to do better. Start doing those things again, and watch what happens after.
1. Ask How You Can Make Their Day Easier
Stop assuming you know what they need. You probably have no idea what’s making their day hell right now. Could be work stress, could be that weird pain in their back they haven’t mentioned, could be they’re drowning in mental to-do lists while you’re asking what’s for dinner.
So ask. “What can I take off your plate today?” or “What would actually help you out right now?” And then (this part matters), actually do the thing they mention. Don’t ask and then conveniently forget 20 minutes later because you got distracted by your phone.
2. Mention One Thing You Absolutely Love About Them
When’s the last time you told them something you love about them that had nothing to do with what they do for you? Not “thanks for making dinner” or “you’re good with the kids.” Those are nice, but they’re transactional.
Try something real. “I love how you laugh at dumb stuff,” or “The way you handle your mom’s passive-aggressive comments without losing it? That’s incredible.” Make it specific. Make it theirs. People forget they’re lovable when nobody reminds them for long enough.
3. Acknowledge the Stuff They Do That Keeps the Marriage Intact
Your spouse does a hundred little things that prevent your life from falling apart, and you probably don’t notice half of them. They remember birthdays. They handle the bills. They’re the one who checks if the doors are locked at night. They put up with your family during the holidays (and that alone deserves a medal).
Say it out loud. “I see what you do, and we’d be a mess without it.” Because here’s the truth. People get tired of being invisible. They get tired of holding everything together while nobody even acknowledges they’re doing it.
4. Ask Them What Dreams They’ve Put on Hold and Want to Get Back On
Marriage has a sneaky way of swallowing up individual dreams. Suddenly, it’s been five years, and your spouse hasn’t painted, hasn’t traveled, hasn’t done that thing they used to talk about all the time before life got complicated.
Ask what they’ve been pushing aside. “What do you miss doing?” or “What would you go back to if you had the time?” And don’t make it theoretical. Help them figure out how to actually do it. Even if it’s small. Even if it’s messy. People need to feel like they’re still themselves, not a role they play in someone else’s story.
5. Mention a Memory of Them That Popped Up on Your Mind
Remember when they used to make you laugh so hard you’d cry? Remember that trip where everything went wrong, but you didn’t care? Those memories didn’t vanish. They’re still in there somewhere, buried under bills and arguments, and whose turn it is to take out the trash.
Bring one up. “I was thinking about that time you convinced me to go dancing even though I hate dancing, and we ended up having the best night.” It reminds both of you that there’s history here. Good history. The kind worth protecting.
6. Bring Up Something You Want to Do Together Again
There’s probably something you used to do together that fell away somewhere along the line. Maybe you’d cook elaborate meals on weekends. Maybe you’d go for long drives with no destination. Maybe you’d stay up late talking about ridiculous hypothetical scenarios (would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?).
Say you want to do it again. “Can we start doing [thing] like we used to?” Because shared experiences (new shared experiences or revived old ones) give you something to build around besides who forgot to buy toilet paper.
7. Show Interest in How Their Day Actually Went
“How was your day?” has become code for “I’m being polite, but I’m also scrolling through my phone and barely listening.” Stop doing that. Put the phone down. Look at them. Ask follow-up questions.
If they say work was annoying, ask why. If they mention a conversation with a friend, ask what they talked about. Act like you’re interested in their life, because you should be. That person you’re half-listening to? They’re supposed to be your favorite person. Treat them like it.
8. Admit Something They’ve Helped You Overcome
Your spouse has probably helped you become a better human in ways you don’t give them credit for. Maybe they’ve made you less selfish. Maybe they’ve taught you how to communicate without exploding. Maybe they’ve helped you deal with anxiety or insecurity you’d never admit to anyone else.
Tell them. “You’ve helped me get better at [thing], and I don’t say that enough.” Vulnerability goes both ways, and admitting they’ve had an impact on you? That’s powerful stuff.
9. Highlight One Specific Trait You Appreciate About Them
Generic compliments are boring. “You’re great” means nothing. But “You have this way of making people feel heard, and I love that about you”? That hits differently.
Pick something specific. A quality, a quirk, a strength they have that makes them them. And don’t save it for special occasions. Say it on a random Tuesday while you’re both doing dishes.
10. Include Them in Your Wins, Not Only Your Problems
You tell them when things go wrong. You complain about your boss, your commute, your weird neighbor who mows the lawn at 7 a.m. on Saturdays. But when something good happens? Crickets.
Share the good stuff, too. “I nailed that presentation today, and I wanted you to know,” or “Something funny happened, and you’re the first person I wanted to tell.” Make them part of your victories, not a dumping ground for everything that went sideways.
11. Tell Them Why They Really Matter to You
Not what they do but who they are. Why does their existence in your life matter beyond the roles they fill? “You make me feel less alone,” or “Life makes more sense when you’re around,” or even “I’m a better person because you’re in my life.”
Say the thing that feels a little too vulnerable to say. Those are usually the things that need saying most.
12. Get Curious About What Keeps Them Going
What motivates your spouse? What gets them out of bed on rough mornings? What do they think about when they need to push through something hard?
You might think you know, but people change. Ask anyway. “What’s keeping you motivated lately?” or “What are you working toward right now?” Because understanding what drives them helps you support them better, and it shows you still care about their inner world.
13. Point to a Moment When You Felt Connected Again
Even in rough patches, there are flickers. A moment when you laughed together. A conversation that felt real. A time when you were on the same team instead of opposite sides.
Call it out when it happens. “I really felt close to you when we talked last night,” or “That felt like us again.” Naming those moments makes them real. Makes them something you can build on.
14. Name One Thing That Still Feels Good Between You
What’s working? What hasn’t broken yet? Maybe you still make each other laugh. Maybe you’re still excellent co-parents. Maybe you still have the same weird sense of humor that nobody else gets.
Find something that’s still intact and acknowledge it. “We’re still really good at making each other laugh, and I love that we haven’t lost that.” Because when everything feels broken, remembering what still works can be the thing that keeps you going.
15. Recognize That It Takes Two to Tango
Marriage falls apart from both sides. Maybe one person checked out first, maybe one person hurt the other worse, but nobody gets to play the victim forever. You both contributed to where you are now, and you both have to contribute to fixing it.
Own your part. Say it out loud. “I know I’ve messed up too, and I want to do better.” Because blame-shifting and finger-pointing will keep you stuck in the same miserable loop. Change happens when both people stop keeping track of who’s winning and start working toward the same goal.
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