Dating someone with kids is complicated. It’s a whole different ball game. Priorities might be different, and there are a lot of balls to juggle. Not to mention, his co-parenting situation if your partner has a high-conflict ex would be more complicated than it already is. If you’re dating someone with kids, here are things you need to know:
They have kids
Yes, it’s obvious, but this fact will profoundly change the dynamic of your relationship. Women with kids are confident, self-assured, and they are not playing games. They show up every time because they know the importance of showing up. Sounds good, right? However, there are the not-so-glamorous parts of dating someone with kids. Time with you should be planned because they have to revolve around nap times, school pickups, and school recitals. Her children also come first, and you need to understand that.
The kids have a Dad, and it’s not you
The kids have a Dad, a.k.a. your partner’s ex-husband. Whether you like her or not, he’s a part of your life now, too, because he’ll be around as long as you’re with your partner. When people talk about baggage when dating a Mom, this is what they mean. They’re kind of a package deal: your partner, her kids, her ex. The way he acts and co-parents will affect you. So, this is something you should really think about.
Be realistic about the role you’re taking as a stepparent
It’s hard to be a stepparent. You want to help your partner with the kids, but you don’t want to overstep. Not to mention, her kids might not like you right away or at all. These are the hardest parts of dating someone with kids. Even when it’s hard, be patient and give it time. Show your partner’s children that you care for them and that you are not taking their Dad’s role. You can never be a replacement for their Dad.
There will be no spontaneity
A lot of things will be out of your control, and you need to change your schedule to fit into the custody schedule. If you like spontaneous trips, don’t expect to be able to do them when you’re dating a Mom, as she needs to schedule plans around the kids’ schedules. Remember, her kids come first. Be flexible. If you can’t compromise or if you think this kind of situation will hinder your goals, this might be something you need to think about before diving into a relationship with someone with kids.
There’s a whole separate relationship you have to work out
When you’re dating people with no kids, you just have to deal with the other person. You just have to worry about how you can get to know that person. But when she has kids, you have to get to know each kid. You have to have a separate relationship with each kid, and it won’t be easy. It’s also not easy for the kids to welcome you into their lives because they might worry that you are taking their Mom away from them.
You need to think long-term
If things work out well with your partner, something you must wrap your head around is that you’re stepping into a family dynamic. Is it something that you want for yourself? Are you ready to commit because this isn’t some kind of fling you’ll disappear from if things get hard? This is serious, and you need to consider her kids in every decision.
You shouldn’t rush the relationship
While you might want to be part of her world right away, it’s important to take it slow. Respect her boundaries and let her lead the pace. It’s not just her feelings she needs to think about, but her kids as well. Her decision will affect her kids, so let her take time. What you can do instead is to show up consistently. Let her decide when to introduce you to her kids.
Be mindful of her kids’ feelings
At first, it won’t be easy for them to welcome you into their life. They might think that you are taking their Mom away from them or that you are replacing their Dad. It’s not easy for them to see their Mom kissing another man, so be mindful of your actions. You are still a stranger in their world. While it can be challenging, earn their trust slowly. Don’t force a connection. Be consistent and kind.
Don’t meet the kids until you’re sure you’re in there for the long term
If you are dating a Mom, you know it’s important to meet her kids. They’re not just a part of her, they’re her heart. However, unless you are committed to being there for the long haul, don’t meet the kids. Meeting you too soon in the relationship can confuse them. It could also create attachment issues if it doesn’t work out between you and their Mom.
Respect your partner’s alone time with the kids
Though you want to be a part of their world, you should respect your partner’s alone time with her children. You don’t have to be a part of everything. Her solo time with the kids isn’t optional. It’s the way it should be. She was a Mom before you were her partner. Her kids need quality time with her, and you should support her.
Respect their routines and traditions
Before you came along, they already had a system of doing things. Those routines keep the household running, and it’s important to respect them. Don’t change the way they’re doing things. Adapt to their traditions and let them know that you’re genuinely interested in knowing about them, too. However, don’t demand to be invited. They’ll invite you when they feel comfortable around you.
Kids can smell fake
Don’t fake your enthusiasm to meet your partner’s children. Also, don’t pretend you’re okay with her having a child if you are not. Her kids will detect insincerity, and it’ll be hard to change their minds once they see your fake self. They don’t need someone perfect. They need someone honest and someone who treats their mom really well.
Be ready to adult
Your partner has gone through life’s highs and lows. She has gained wisdom through her life’s challenges, and she has become stronger. She’s not looking for a man-child. She needs someone to be with her through life’s challenges and not one who will flake out when hard times hit.
Your friends and family might disapprove
There’s a stigma associated with dating a Mom. Your friends and family might have something to say. Dating a Mom is already hard enough, so unsolicited comments from other people make the load heavier. However, if you think that she is your person and you’re committed to making a future with her, don’t let other people’s comments about your personal life weigh you down.
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