We have all been there, haven’t we? We have all had our fair share of lovers and exes before finally finding the one meant for us and settling down. Marriage is blissful, and it brings some much-needed alignment and contentment in life. There can be nothing better than a bond where two people coexist with mutual love and respect between them. Seems like the perfect ending, right? Well, it just so happens that some complications can serve to derail the smooth trajectory of your marriage. One of the most egregious issues in this regard is when your wife still remains in contact with her ex or exes. This is a cause for perturbance, as the very nature of marriage prohibits such an indiscretion. It does make for an immensely jarring experience for the husband, though. He might instinctively react, go belligerent, or completely shut off emotionally. Read on and learn as to what can be done under such circumstances.
Think Before Reacting
Take a step back, breathe deep, and give this issue the rumination that it deserves. Your emotions will be all over the place, and you might say something irrevocably detrimental and disparaging in the heat of the moment. That is why it is important to take a breather before you proceed.
Assess the Situation
It is important to remember that not all communication is flirtatious or malicious. It might just be that your wife is catching up with her ex as an old friend and exchanging pleasantries. Don’t go making any rash decisions in this regard.
Don’t Snoop
No matter what you do, don’t snoop. The temptation to rifle through your spouse’s social media accounts will certainly be pretty strong, but don’t let it overtake you. Let things play out naturally. If you do peruse through her DMs and end up finding nothing, then this will be a profound breach of trust and privacy, one from which your marriage may never recover.
Calmly and Honestly Communicate with Your Spouse
The next logical step is to talk openly and frankly with your spouse about this issue. Let her know in a calm and collected manner about your thoughts on the matter. Communicate with her about your unease, disapproval, and resentment regarding this correspondence.
Ask Her Directly
Once you have set the tone of the conversation, proceed to asking her the hard questions directly. Inquire about the nature of the texting, the frequency, and future intentions and whether she mentioned her marital status or not. Her hesitation or openness will determine the nature of the texts immediately.
Look for Transparency
It is a felicitous sign if your wife discusses the messaging openly and clearly and doesn’t make any attempts to hide her phone and the concerned messages from you. It is a sign of transparency and a testament that nothing unbecoming or foul is afoot.
Assess Your Own Insecurities
You need to introspect and ascertain whether it is jealousy that compels you or merely a sense of insecurity. Also, is it healthy to suspect your wife like this? Is there a boundary that you are violating or not? These are questions that you need to ask of yourself before you proceed with the confrontation.
Set Boundaries
If your wife has texted her ex once or twice, then it is fine and you can move on. The next logical and healthy step is the delineation of healthy boundaries concerning this matter. Let her know that this bothers you and you don’t like her excessive messaging with her ex. Set a limit that you can both agree on, and all should be fine.
Don’t Engage in Comparison Games
Her ex is just that, her past. There is no need for you to make comparisons with him. She is here with you because she chose you. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and don’t complicate matters by trying to emulate her ex.
Emotional Reconnection
You need to look inwards if you are failing to provide your wife with the emotional validation she is so desperately seeking elsewhere. She might be texting her ex, but it may be your fault for being emotionally distant. Try to ameliorate the situation by being more attentive, focused, and emotionally available. Let her know that you are there for her and are willing to listen.
Gauge Her Intentions
It is the intention behind a deed that determines its maleficence or innocuousness. That is why you should gauge your wife’s intentions that underlie the texting. Is she emotionally dependent on the other guy? Or is she just being friendly? Noticing her intent and tone, and not just communication frequency, will inform you about the nature of the texting.
Don’t Engage in Drama
There is no need to make a scene or engage in drama in the worst-case scenario. Simply express your disappointment and feelings of hurt and move on. Don’t make a scene and keep things private. No one needs to know the straits that your marriage is going through, be they friends or family members. You are, after all, partners, not opponents.
A Sign of Neglected Trust
If your wife is looking for validation from an ex and seeking comfort in his presence, then this means your relationship is seriously lacking in trust. This can be considered a rude awakening, and you should take steps to improve this. Check in honestly with your wife and talk extensively about the significance of respect, loyalty, and transparency.
Counseling Can Help
Counseling is a great step to take if you want to improve your marriage’s chances of survival. Texting an ex is a serious offense that can greatly destroy the trust in a marriage. You can acquire the services of a seasoned counselor who will act as an arbiter. Your marriage might just recover from this trauma if you choose the right counselor.
No Ultimatums
Don’t be too quick with the ultimatums. Be cool and calm and let things play out naturally. You don’t want to shut off communication completely and should instead talk it out with your spouse before issuing any final verdicts or tough calls.
Observe Change
Keep constant notice over whether she respects your wishes and refrains from texting her ex or not. A positive change reflects that the texting was harmless, while a persistence towards messaging speaks of something sinister lying under the surface.
Assess Your Comfort Level
Eventually, it all boils down to this: your comfort level. It depends if you can be comfortable with forgiving your wife for texting her ex. Can you move on from this, or would you never forgive her for this violation of trust and respect in your marriage? Determining your comfort level in this regard will help you to make the right decisions.
Final Thoughts
Your wife talking to her ex doesn’t necessarily translate to betrayal. However, it does mean that something is missing in your marriage. It requires you to deliberate and take concrete steps for fixing the flaws that have surfaced in your marriage.
Ask Me Anything