You Should Never Say These 16 Things to Your Kids About Their Mom

You made it through the divorce papers, kids still yours, and you’re trying to rebuild your life. You’re grooming up, hitting the gym, maybe even dipping a toe into dating again. But you still stumble conversations with your kids about their mom.

What you say could be betraying your maturity, damaging your kids’ trust, and messing with your future relationships. When you bad-mouth the other parent, you’re risking your child’s psyche.  

“Your mom is the reason we broke up”

You’re putting them in the middle of your pain. It’s one thing to explain the facts at an age-appropriate level. It’s another to assign blame. The child often internalises that guilt or splits loyalty. You risk making your kid feel like they’re on trial for being who they are. Own your pain, Talk to your therapist. Keep your kid out of the blame game.

“I can’t believe she does/said that in front of you”

Calling her out in front of your kids is like handing them bullets. Experts warn that children exposed to one parent bad-mouthing the other can end up with anxiety, low self-esteem, or unhealthy relationship patterns. When you feel anger rising, pause.

Ask yourself: “Will this help my kid trust both parents?” If the answer is no, stash the rant and handle it away from your children

“Your mom thinks you’re the reason we couldn’t be a family”

This is classic “child as scapegoat.” Your kid might already wonder if they’re the cause. Don’t let them believe it. Any suggestion that the children are to blame is cruel and very damaging to their self-esteem. Talk about family changes. That builds stability.

“If you weren’t so hard to raise, your mom wouldn’t have left”

Framing your kid as part of the exit is toxic. It’s emotional blackmail. Using guilt as a tool only breaks the connection. You wouldn’t dump money into a broken car hoping to revive it. Don’t dump guilt onto your kid, hoping they’ll fix your breakup for you.

“We’ll do things differently from now on because she screwed up”

Comparing your parenting plan to a “she messed up” narrative still drags their mom’s name through the mud. They’ll notice. They’ll feel divided. A child deserves both parents walking clean. Lead by example. Show them your new rouh.

“She’s gone, she doesn’t care”

Your feelings might include abandonment, betrayal, or relief. But your kids don’t need to feel their mom’s love is gone. They are still half of her. Keep her in the loop (“Mom will pick you up on Sunday”) and don’t decorate her absence with hate. It creates confusion and emotional distance.

“You better not end up like your mom”

You’ve seen behaviors, made decisions, and learned hard lessons. That’s good. But casting your ex-wife as the villain makes your kid watch themselves. Research shows that when kids hear “you’re just like your parent,” trust drops and insecurity rises. Model the man you want your son (or daughter) to become. Don’t force them to avoid someone.

“I’ll look after you because your mom won’t”

You’ve stepped up. That counts. But saying this weeds the seed of mistrust toward their mom. Kids need both parents to be reliable. Even if one is inconsistent, you chew out the behavior. Children used as messengers (“if she doesn’t pick you up, tell her you’re with me”) feel pressure to choose sides. Be the stable one and the constant.  

“She’s got her new life. When’s yours?”

You make them responsible for your emotional timeline. That’s a trap. Kids shouldn’t carry your need to move on. Tell yourself: “My timing is mine. My healing is mine. My kids’ stability is mine.” Keep those lines separate.

“Your mom’s dating again. Don’t worry, I’m different”

Reassure them, but that phrase still attacks her character, and you’re asking your kid to approve your value by comparing. That’s weakness. A better line would be: “I’m growing too. You’ll see.” You show them. Don’t proclaim.

“Mom said you were too much. She can’t handle you”

When you repeat or cook up criticism your ex made, you transmit it to your kid. They’ll internalize: “I’m the problem.” That’s one of the biggest emotional landmines for kids of divorce. It sets up low self-worth, adulthood relationship dysfunction, and guilt. You’re their teammate.

“I’m the only one who cares”

Saying this isolates their mom and isolates the child. They’ll feel obligated to choose. That’s part of what’s formally called parental alienation. You want your kid to feel love from both of you. Even if you’re doing the heavy lifting, don’t cast it like a hero speech. Just show up.

“We’re doing this because of her mistakes”

Your motivation might be redemption, healing, or starting fresh. But framing your parenting “because of her mistakes” still menacingly frames the mother as the threat. That gives your kid fear. According to child psychologists, kids exposed to constant negative talk about one parent struggle with identity and trust. Claim your growth as yours.  

“You tell your mom what you told me”

Forcing your child into the messenger role is bad. It’s adult work. Researchers highlight that children given the middle-person job between separated parents feel stressed, anxious, and often stuck between loyalties. If you feel something needs to be said, say it. The kid doesn’t carry the phone or the emotional freight.

“I sacrificed so much for you because she wouldn’t”

Your sacrifice is real. But quoting it to your kid puts grief and pressure on their shoulders. You want them to feel free, not indebted. When they hear this, they think: “I owe him.” That morphs into an unhealthy connection or resentment. Build freedom instead of duty.

“We’ll be better off without her in this phase”

Your kid hears it’s okay tolove one and dump the other. That kind of binary thinking triggers loyalty conflicts. One study says the child’s need is to feel secure with both parents, even post-divorce. So say something like: “Things are changing. I’m here. We’re okay.” That keeps the door open emotionally and practically.