When it came to love, I didn’t learn anything about it from the movies, fairytale cartoons, or some grand, romantic stories while growing up. I actually learned it from my father, and he wasn’t the best of role models when it came to it. His choices affected not just my mother but our entire family dynamics as well. It also influenced and molded the way I perceived relationships, the way I trusted people, and what love truly and deeply means to me. It took many years for me to divest myself of the lessons that I had imbibed in my youth and even longer to understand the ways others loved and professed affection for each other. Here are the lessons that I carried with me, the ones implanted within me by my cheating father, regarding love.
Love without Loyalty Isn’t Genuine
You can say the mundane and generic words; you can profess verbally the love that you supposedly have for another person as much as you want, but if it isn’t tempered and complemented by fidelity, then that isn’t love; it is just a sham, a farce.
Trust is Fragile, and Once Broken, It Changes Everything
I saw personally how one betrayal could change a person irrevocably and indelibly. Trust is a fragile and weak thing, and once broken, it can’t be mended or brought back to the way it was before. It is only distorted into doubt once it is violated.
Silence Can Hurt More Than the Truth
Silence, telling lies, keeping secrets from your partner, and coming home every night and pretending as if everything is okay hurts far more than the truth ever can. At least by being honest, one can finally ascertain where they stand in a relationship. The silence and lies perpetuate the pain and confusion, and that stings deeply.
Children Always Know More Than You Think
Even if no one tells or elucidates the events to them, children still know far more than the adults are letting on or divulging to them. They can feel the stress and the tension in the air, as if there is something palpably amiss amongst their parents. That is what I felt, as if the truth were hiding in plain sight for me.
Cheating Isn’t Just a Mistake; It is a Pattern of Choices
Cheating isn’t loud or prominent, nor is it predicated on just one bad moment for its manifestation. Rather, it is the culmination of a long and steady series of decisions, ones where the perpetrator places his own needs and selfish interests above the overall well-being of his partner and family.
Love Should Never Make Someone Feel Replaceable
When I watched my mother cry over and try to cope with my father’s infidelity, I learned that this wasn’t real love. Genuine affection is supposed to make a person feel chosen, not replaceable or dismissed. Sadly, that is just what my father made my mother feel with his depraved ways.
Respect Matters Just as Much as Love
Without respect, love doesn’t hold any meaning or profundity. You can love someone from the bottom of your heart, but if you don’t accord them the respect they deserve, then that love is simply meaningless and does more damage than good.
Apologies Mean Nothing Without Change
I saw my father commit mistakes and profusely apologize in every single instance. However, this penitence was fleeting, and he showed no genuine remorse over his mistakes. He would go right back to his pernicious ways, showing little contrition. It made me realize that apologies that are bereft of any real resolve to change or mend one’s ways are hollow and meaningless.
Broken Relationship Affects Everyone, Not Just the Couple
Cheating and unfaithfulness don’t just affect the connection between two partners; they have far-reaching and resounding effects that ripple through and affect the entire family. My father’s cheating affected my mother just as much as it affected me and my siblings.
Stability is a Form of Love
My father taught me the significance of stability in relationships. He was never consistent, reliable, or intentional in his approach towards us and his relationship with my mother. He was also not of the sort to freely accord emotional safety to her, and that taught me just how important these things were for the integrity of a relationship.
You Can’t Fix Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Change
I watched my mother try again and again, just so she could salvage and save her connection with her father, even when it eroded her own self-respect at times. That showed me that no matter how diligently or fastidiously you try, you can’t force someone who isn’t willing to change positively.
Love Should Feel Safe, Not Uncertain
Love should afford a sense of security, both physically and emotionally, to a person. If it makes you constantly question your connection, makes you ambivalent about where you stand with your partner, and generally makes you feel anxious, then that is not love.
Your Partner’s Actions Reflect Their Character, Not Your Worth
It took me many years to finally come to the conclusion that someone’s betrayal doesn’t have anything to do with your own worth. If he cheats, then it is his fault, a flaw in his character, an unscrupulous tendency on his part. You don’t have any hand in his decision to indulge in infidelity, and you shouldn’t lose any sleep over it.
You Have the Power to Break the Cycle
I may be my father’s child, but I most definitely am not him. Just because he committed those mistakes and made my mother feel depressed and despondent doesn’t mean that I evince any predilections or propensities to do the same. I have to be better than him; I have to commit to breaking the cycle of infidelity because deep down, I have the power to do it.
Real Love is Built on Honesty, Not Illusion
True love isn’t flawless or perfect, but it is abounding with honesty, consistency, and stability. It is one where both partners respect each other completely and ensure that they remain grounded and faithful in their relationship.
Final Thoughts
My belief in love wasn’t decimated irrevocably by my cheating father, but it did compel me to alter and rectify my perception of love and how it is accorded and imparted. Love is more than just promises; it is a choice, one that is defined by deliberation, intent, and an explicit resolve to adhere to the principles of consistency, admiration, respect, and honesty with each other.
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