Every marriage has highs and lows, but what separates thriving couples from those who drift apart often comes down to small, intentional choices. The Gottman Institute–founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman–has spent decades studying thousands of couples, pinpointing what makes relationships succeed or fail. Their findings show that strong marriages aren’t built on grand gestures but on daily habits, respectful communication, and emotional connection. These tried-and-tested tips can help you nurture a marriage that not only lasts but feels deeply satisfying for both partners.
1. Build Love Maps
Love maps are Gottman’s term for truly knowing your partner’s inner world–everything from their favorite meal to their biggest worries. Strong couples continually update these maps by asking questions, listening closely, and staying curious even after years together. It’s about seeing your spouse not just as your partner but as an evolving individual. A practical step? Regularly ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” This keeps your connection alive and prevents drifting into emotional distance.
2. Express Fondness and Admiration
The Gottmans found that successful marriages have a strong culture of appreciation. Instead of focusing only on flaws, partners deliberately notice and express what they admire in each other. These don’t need to be big declarations–small comments like “I love how thoughtful you are” or “You looked great today” build a powerful foundation of positivity. Over time, this habit acts as a buffer against negativity, making conflict easier to navigate when it does arise.
3. Turn Toward Instead of Away
Every day, partners make what Gottman calls “bids” for connection–small gestures like sharing a funny meme, sighing after a tough day, or reaching for a hug. How you respond to these bids matters more than you think. Turning toward–showing interest, empathy, or engagement–strengthens the bond, while ignoring or dismissing bids weakens it. Practice noticing your partner’s cues and responding with presence, even in small ways. It’s these micro-moments that make or break closeness.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
Happy marriages are partnerships built on mutual respect and shared decision-making. The Gottmans discovered that when spouses–especially husbands–accept their partner’s influence, relationships thrive. This doesn’t mean giving up your own voice, but rather being open to your spouse’s input and valuing their perspective. Try saying, “That’s a good point, let’s try it your way” more often. The willingness to yield and compromise creates balance and teamwork.
5. Solve Solvable Problems
Not every disagreement is a dealbreaker. The Gottman Institute found that most marital conflicts are solvable with the right approach: compromise, respect, and practical solutions. When you hit a conflict, ask yourself, “Is this a problem we can fix?” If yes, focus on negotiation and finding middle ground. For example, if chores are uneven, create a schedule together. By addressing small issues effectively, couples prevent resentment from snowballing into bigger ones.
6. Manage Perpetual Problems with Dialogue
Interestingly, the Gottmans discovered that 69% of marital conflicts are “perpetual”–based on personality differences or lifestyle preferences that won’t go away. The key isn’t solving them but managing them with humor, empathy, and open dialogue. Couples who thrive learn to talk about these issues without letting them dominate or poison the relationship. Next time you clash on a recurring issue, shift from “fixing” to understanding your partner’s underlying dream or value behind it.
7. Soften Startup in Conflicts
How an argument begins often predicts how it ends. Gottman’s research shows that a harsh startup–blame, criticism, or sarcasm–leads to defensiveness and escalation. A softened startup, on the other hand, opens the door for resolution. Instead of “You never help around here,” try “I feel stressed when the chores pile up–can we figure this out together?” By leading with gentleness and “I” statements, you create room for cooperation instead of conflict.
8. Accept Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are small gestures–like humor, a touch, or a quick “sorry”–that help de-escalate conflict. The difference between stable and unstable marriages is not whether repairs are made, but whether they are accepted. Dismissing or rejecting your partner’s olive branch deepens resentment, while accepting it resets the emotional climate. Practice noticing these bids for peace and responding with grace. Sometimes, letting a small smile break the tension can save the day.
9. Avoid the Four Horsemen
The Gottmans identified four destructive patterns–criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling–that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. The antidotes? Replace criticism with gentle complaints, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with responsibility, and stonewalling with self-soothing breaks. Awareness is the first step: when you catch yourself falling into one of these patterns, pause and choose a healthier response. Over time, eliminating the Four Horsemen transforms the tone of conflict.
10. Create Shared Meaning
Couples who thrive build a shared culture–rituals, traditions, and values that give their relationship depth. This might be as simple as a weekly date night, celebrating milestones in a personal way, or aligning on spiritual or family goals. According to Gottman research, shared meaning makes couples feel like they’re on the same team in life. A practical step: sit down and talk about what rituals or traditions you want to create or maintain together.
11. Strengthen Emotional Connection Daily
The happiest couples don’t wait for anniversaries or vacations to connect–they find small ways daily. Whether it’s a six-second kiss (a Gottman-recommended ritual), texting during the day, or sharing coffee in the morning, these moments build intimacy. Strong marriages are made of consistent emotional deposits into the “emotional bank account.” Ask yourself: “What small thing can I do today that will make my partner feel loved and seen?”
12. Maintain a 5:1 Ratio of Positivity to Negativity
The Gottmans famously discovered that stable marriages have a “magic ratio”: five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems but ensuring that kindness, humor, and affection far outweigh tension. Think of it like a savings account–regular deposits of positivity keep the relationship secure. Notice when negativity creeps in, and intentionally add back compliments, affection, or shared laughter to keep the balance healthy.
13. Nurture Shared Dreams
Beyond managing daily life, couples thrive when they support each other’s dreams. This could mean career aspirations, personal growth, or lifestyle goals. The Gottmans emphasize uncovering the meaning behind those dreams and finding ways to honor them together. Ask your partner, “What’s a dream you’re still holding onto?” Then explore how you can support it, even in small ways. When both partners feel their hopes are respected, the relationship deepens.
14. Practice Stress-Reducing Conversations
Life stress inevitably seeps into relationships, but Gottman’s research shows that couples who offer each other stress-reducing conversations handle challenges better. The rule is simple: listen, empathize, and avoid problem-solving unless asked. When your partner vents about work, don’t jump in with advice–say, “That sounds exhausting, I’m here for you.” These conversations create emotional safety, showing your partner that home is a refuge, not another battlefield.
15. Keep Building Trust
Trust is built in everyday moments, not just big promises. Gottman defines trust as knowing your partner has your back, even when you’re not around. This grows when you follow through on small commitments, speak kindly about your spouse to others, and show consistency in actions. Ask yourself, “Am I building or eroding trust in this moment?” Every choice–whether it’s honesty in a difficult conversation or keeping a minor promise–adds to or subtracts from the trust bank.
16. Commit to Lifelong Learning Together
The strongest marriages are those where both partners see growth as a shared journey. The Gottmans emphasize that people change over time, and marriages thrive when couples commit to learning about and with each other. This might mean taking a class together, reading the same book, going to therapy individually or together, or exploring new hobbies. Even asking fresh questions like “What’s something you want to try this year?” shows curiosity. Growth together keeps the marriage vibrant and future-focused.
17. Prioritize Friendship Above All
At the core of the Gottman method is one key truth: the best marriages are rooted in strong friendship. Romance, passion, and resilience all flow from being genuinely fond of and interested in each other. A thriving marriage means laughing together, enjoying each other’s company, and showing up as allies in life. Ask yourself, “Am I treating my spouse like my closest friend?” That mindset–more than any grand gesture–sustains love for the long run.
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